The Way Of Life
by antony15828
Summary: Hachiman is not a teenager anymore. Already at university, he starts to question his life. He wants to change, but his feelings and thoughts get the better of him. Is he really willing to do so? Sakix8man. Rating will change in the future. -Story is now rated M. Beware of ch 9-
1. Pain

Pain.

We all get to experience this feeling at one point of our lives. In many ways. A failed project or test, rejection, bullying, anxiety, depression...

Or just the kind of pain you feel when people, just, to put it simple, despise you.

Oh? What is this? The great Hikigaya Hachiman feeling pain? Is this true?

Oi, hold your horses, people.

I am the king of loners, I know. I chose this lifestyle. I chose to be part of the lowest part of society. It was easier to me. Less trouble.

I mean, how could people toy with you when they didn't' know about your existence?

I know, I know, this way of thinking feels completely stupid. But hey, nothing is really stupid if it really works.

Because, well, it worked. At least for me.

When you're not a part of the trending circle, people all but forget about you. It's just like all your particles just vanished into thin air along with your whole existence and thoughts.

I really tend to mind about things too much..

But I can't help it. We do it by nature.

Maybe that's the main reason I have been feeling even worse lately.

I support my ideology. I still have my points about society, after all, society will never change. We can dream of it or even try to change things; but the majority of blunt idiots will always surpass those who really wish for a change. It disgusts me. Even if I tried, there's simply no way I will fit with the bubble.

And that's why I'll probably die alone.

Why do I have these kind of thoughts?

Well, a lot of things can change in the course of three years.

I still do think people are superficial assholes. After all, that will never change.

But I have a different way of thinking.

We, as humans, are a very interesting species. We are social by nature. Beside family, we depend on social interactions to carry on with our lives. You need a friend to share your dreams and worries. A parther who can tutor you or help you with homework. A girlfriend who can listen to you, comfort you and be by your side on your worst moments. A 'contact' who can pull some strings behind the lines so you can get into that job more easily.

That's probably the main reason Hiratsuka-sensei forced me to join the Service Club back in the day.

The good _old_ days. When you didn't have to worry about a thing. Our parents were forced by law to pay all our expenses. Beside college applications; our biggest worry was to keep up our pathethic facade to please our equally fake friends.

 _Now we are forced to work._

I wonder how Hiratsuka-sensei has been doing lately. I still called her every few months, and you could hear in her voice that she has gotten considerably happier.

She got into relationship a year ago.

... _About freaking time._

Apparently he was a new teacher that had joined the school after we graduated.

I admire her. Her desire to help me and change my ways was tremendous.

And her punches were too.

 _Heh._

I sigh.

 _Even Hiratsuka-sensei is happier than me._

I feel stupid. Even worthless.

Correction.

I have always been stupid and worthless. Just that I didn't care that much back in the day.

I briefly exit the wake of my thoughts just as the lecture ends. I decide to head to my apartment immediately, since, well, there's no one really waiting for me.

But of course, MAX Coffee first!

I nonchalantly head for the nearest vending machine and patiently wait for my can to be ready.

 _Finally!_

Ahhh... sweet sweet overly sugared coffee. If I didn't have to walk to university all mornings, I probably would be as round as a giant, pathetic ball.

As I exit the building, a rush of cold air envelops me. It's not really that cold, but just enough to make someone shiver a bit.

I stop, raising my head tiredly and looking up at the gray sky, taking a sip of my coffee and my other hand at the pocket of my navy blue jacket.

 _It's about to rain soon._

I got a decent part time job right out of school. It's not really that much, but just enough to supply the rent of my small apartment near the campus and a few hundred yen to spend on food and myself.

My parents where sceptical at first, but I managed to convince them with the condition that I had to learn to live alone.

Was it worth it? I think so. The only place I feel truly peaceful is at my apartment, and while is quiet, maybe too much, is one of the really few things I'm proud of.

Next, a car. If I can afford one in the next ten years.

I can manage now. Just that I don't know how to cook for shit.

I almost burned down my entire kitchen once.

And that was on the third day living alone.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how I started living on instant ramen!

 _Sigh._

I decide to take a nap on the couch.

Unsurprisingly, I have trouble falling asleep.

I slam the pillow against my face.

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

 _It was a sunny afternoon._

 _We were at the Service Club. I was reading a novel at my usual spot, and empty cup of tea by my side._

 _It was our final window before graduating. There was a lot of tension and nervousness at the school, as the students were preparing for the final test and graduation was just two weeks away._

 _Yuigahama was typing at her phone, while Yukinoshita was looking at her window; her hands on her lap, the back of her face facing me._

 _We were really graduating. There would be no more requests. We were about to be forced to work the rest of our lives._

 _I shuddered at the idea._

 _I looked around the room, more specifically, at Yukinoshita._

 _She has been behaving strangely lately._

 _It started about a month ago_.

 _I could see that she seemed... happier. With a strange smile at her face. Like something good and big was going on in her life._

 _She looks beautiful._

 _ **Oi, what are you thinking?! No no no no.**_

 _This is not real. The gods of romantic comedy are playing tricks on you. Look away._

 _ **Am I missing something?**_

 _As if destiny was reading my mind, she suddenly faced forward, and talked._

 _"I have an annoucement to make."_

 _I looked up from my novel curiously. It has getting boring anyway._

 _ **Maybe this has something to do with her sudden change in attitude.**_

" _I'm leaving Japan. I'm going to study overseas with Hayama-kun."_

 _ **What?**_

 _A sudden feeling of dread invaded me. I looked at her, probably with the most surprised expression I had my entire life._

 _Before I could form coherent words, she talked again._

 _"I... I have talked to my mother. We settled our differences. I will be taking the family's business with my sister when we get back home."_

 _This was too much to take._

 _I stood up abruptly._

 _I shifted my gaze to Yuigahama, who was looking at her legs with a calm expression._

 _And then I realized._

 _She didn't look surprised._

 _She already knew about this._

 _ **Of course.**_

 _"You kne-"_

 _"Yes. she did."_

 _At that moment, I realized something else._

 _ **Hayama-kun.**_

 _ **We.**_

 _"If you are already wondering what does Hayama-kun have to do with all of this, he is my boyfriend, and has already agreed to go with me."_

 _ **Double what?!**_

 _"S-ince when?"_

 _"Two months ago."_

 _"And you didn't bother telling me?"_

 _"We are keeping our relationship a secret. I woud have caused an uproar at the school. I am telling you this just so you know before we part ways. Also, I know you dislike Hayama-kun._ _Only my family and Yuigahama knew."_

 _Oh._

 _So this is how things were._

 _And I already started to believe in friendship._

 _But now I knew the truth._

 _I snapped._

 _"What the hell, Yukinoshita?!_ _Am I_ _really that disgusting to you?! Do you really think so low of me?!_

 _Yuigahama started to intervene._

 _"Hikki, that's not-"_

 _"SHUT UP! AND DO NOT FUCKING CALL ME LIKE THAT!_ "

 _And she did effectively shut up._

 _I looked back at Yukinoshita, who had an unreadable expression._

 _"You... What happened?! You threw all of your beliefs out of the window! Didn't you hate your family?! Didn't you wanted to be saved?!_ "

 _She flinched._

 _"Did Haruno convince you?!"_

 _No response._

 _"And what the actual hell with Hayama?! He's rich too. Do rich people grow attached to each other?! You disliked him! How the fuck, are you two in a relationship?!_

 _Still not response._

 **I'm tired.**

 _"Tho-se... those jokes... They really meant something to you... they were true... I am no lower than than disgusting scum to you."_

 _"He's more interesting for you. Oh, I see. You got caught by the Hayama sparkle. That fake ass-"_

 _I felt it before it actually happened._

 _A slap._

 _ **She slapped me.**_

 _I am the one suffering here. And she has the nerve to slap me._

 _I have never felt more anger at disappointment in my life._

 _Not at Yukinoshita. But at myself._

 _"Don't you dare talk about him like that. You know nothing about my family or about him. You have no right to make assumptions on him when you only see him at school. I have the damn right to decide what to do about my life. I am deciding on my future. The fight I had with my mom was pointless, and I settled things with her. She apologized to me, and so did I to her. We cried for hours, and let go of our past. So with my sister."_

 _I looked at her doumbfounded, my anger starting to fade._

 _Her voice started to tremble, but she went on._

 _"You are so naive... I am finally starting to feel a bit of happiness on my life, and you scream and say all those things to me...You have no heart."_

 _My anger rises again._

 _"And what about my heart?! What about my fucking feelings?! I thought we were friends! But no! I am only a tool to solve the club's requests! Everything was just a fucking lie!"_

 **Seriously, I am tired.**

 _And what she said next ended everything._

 _Her voice was full of resolution._

 _"You can say all you want. It's useless talking to you. You always think people are against you. I wish things could have been different, but I won't continue hurting myself dealing with you. I deserve happiness too. And you are obviously against that. I have a bright future ahead of me. I have to take care of the family business with my sister. I don't have time to waste with people stuck in the past like you. I am happy now. You're just a hopeless cynical and hater of the real life. You talk about finding something genuine. But, truth is; with that way of yours, you'll be wandering in loneliness for the rest of your life."_

 **I can't take it anymore.**

 _I took my bag and ran._

 _I could hear Yuigahama's screams, but I ignored all of them._

 _I wanted to disappear_.

 **Maybe I should just disappear. People will finally be happy.**

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

I jolt up with a start. My breathing is heavy. Too heavy. I feel a tremendous wave of anxiety hit me. I hopelessly look around the place to get a hold of my surroundings.

Oh. My living room.

I sigh.

 _That dream again._

But all she said is true. Every single word she said struck me like a giant wave at the deepest part of my heart.

But it wasn't right.

She wanted me to save her.

But in the end, she never wanted saving.

She was just confused.

She wasn't sure about what she really wanted in life.

But the truth was, she really wanted it.

She wanted to be successful. To be a part of her family's business. To be a part of everything. That's that she always wanted.

She just had a little tirade against her sister and her mother.

And I had _**no**_ right to scream at her because she wanted to be happy.

But still.

I felt _used._ They didn't even trust me at all. I was just a good problem solver. Genuine _my ass._ I felt _betrayed._

I remember that day when I opened myself up to them.

If I wasn't the one who fled that day…if it was Yukinoshita or Yuigahama who did… they would have run after one another.

Tools. We are all tools. Merely objects to be used against each other for our convenience and selfishness.

I felt like _utter trash_.

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

 **Hello! First chapter done.**

 **Note: This is the definitive version. No more changes will be made.**

 **I really hope you like it. I threw the whole day into this. And I hope I did justice to Yukino and Yuigahama.**

 _ **Hachiman is a victim of himself, not a victim of society.**_


	2. Agreement

**Hello guys. This is the official revision of chapter 2.**

wewewewewe:

 _GODDAMMIT SAKI YES HER CHARACTER NEEDS MORE ATTENTION_

 _Thank you :)_

 **Now, let's go!**

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

I release a long, tired sigh; rubbing my eyes.

I take a look around the living room with my still uneven breathing. I never considered myself a decorative or a fancy person; I just buy the things I need, nothing more. My apartment consist on a small living room, one small kitchen on the side, the bathroom and the main bedroom. A few family pictures hang on the wall beside the front door, courtesy of Komachi when I first moved here, but that's about it.

I can hear the soft sound of the rain hitting the pavement outside, and the air feels just as _chilling_.

I takes some minutes to calm my breaths, and I slowly stand up and head to the bathroom. The hot shower is proving effective in taking away my anxiety. I intentionally take more time than usual on washing my body to ease my thoughts.

The slightly-clouded mirror projects my face. I look at my own reflection.

Things have changed in the past three years. I had gotten a lot taller, and my hair has grown a lot, almost at my shoulders.

I still have the same dead-looking eyes though.

 _Beautiful._

 _God-sama, please do something about them when you feel like it._

Making my way onto my room, I change into a set of pajamas and throw myself in my bed.

 _Sweet, sweet bed._

My most precious possession. We lazy people value beds more than anything else in our lives. Just the perfect place to forget about our worries. Oh, and instant ramen too. How could I forget.

I slowly lift up my phone and look through to see if I got new notifications, only finding a missing call and a text from Komachi.

" _Oni~chaaan! How are things in university going? I'm really proud my brother is living the adult life! I'll probably go and pass by sometime soon and cook your favorite dinner! Ah, that earned me a lot of points!"_

 _Thanks to the lord for little sisters._

I smile a bit. In this world of fakers, my little sister is always by my side.

Truth is, things didn't really change after I got into Chiba University. At first I thought I could forget about everything and maybe start again with a new group of people.

 _That was just another empty lie._

A few weird conversations later, I was yet again put as the outcast of the class. People formed their circles and groups, and yet again, I was left out.

I could only count on the other few loners with group projects.

They were good company though, I can say that.

I also noticed that the sky blue haired girl we once helped was also a student here.

 _Kawasomething._

We were put on the same group project once; but since we were all loners, we didn't really talk that much. We just did our part of the job, and after that, we did not talk again.

That was roughly one year ago.

We never really disliked each other, just that we didn't actually have a solid reason to talk.

So we didn't.

We act just like that. No reason to talk, why do then? It's easier to be alone and not get involved with people.

I wonder how she is now.

 _Who knows._

See? This way of thinking is why I am like this.

Because... even I can feel lonely from to time.

Humans get anxious when they don't have someone to talk to. They need some listener who can hear their ideas, wishes and aspirations. We are made that way.

I think about how I was back in highschool.

I wish I could be like that again.

 _To just not give a shit about anything._

I can feel myself getting anxious.

 _Fuck._

 _Just do as always. Deep breaths. In. Out._

I finally manage to calm down after some time. I just decide to listen to some music, since I have nothing else to do.

The apartment my parents got for me is an 30 minute walk near the main campus. It was at the other side of the city but not too unreasonably far from home.

I'm studying Literature, and plan on getting a degree on Politics on the future.

After selecting my song and putting in my earphones, I look at the ceiling.

My bedroom is nothing sort of special either. It just consists on a moderately- sized bed, amazingly comfortable should I say, a desk with my laptop on it, an small flatscreen on the wall and the closet. The bathroom was on the other side of the aisle, Its door in front of my bedroom.

Another sigh escapes my lips.

Many things have changed.

I graduated with honors. After our departure, the Service Club was closed, as there where no people interested on taking over.

I never talked to them again after that day.

I could feel eyes on my back all the time during graduation, but I just ignored everything. I just felt like a robot. I could tell the class noticed I seemed even more irritable than usually, so no one even tried to talk to me. I was just the weird guy seated on the far end line of seats, neutral expression, his hair covering his eyes.

I heard Yukino went abroad with her boyfriend to study. After all, her family is all too famous in Japan for them to escape the public eye.

I did not bother to find out more after that.

Yuigahama texted me occasionally for a few months, but knowing that I would never answer her back, she finally stopped.

The only one still in contact was Iroha, she still called every few weeks or months.

And that's about it.

A loud thunder resonated in the distance, bringing me back again.

It's amazing how easily can a friendship be destroyed. How it takes less than 10 seconds to realize that you were forming part of a complete lie.

It was all so obvious, yet I completely fell for it.

 _And I paid the price._

I glance at the clock on my bedside table. _10:37 PM._

 _I should just go to sleep._

I decide to call it a day, and after going to brush my teeth, I throw myself to the warmth of my bed.

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

I wake up early the next morning. It was a Saturday, and aside the early morning lecture, I was free. I only worked from Monday to Thursday, so weekends always felt like a sort of needed relaxation for me.

The weather was as bad as ever, or in my point of view, enjoyable. The temperature was still cold and the rain was strong and consistent.

I liked going out for a coffee with this kind of weather.

It felt refreshing.

I decide to go out for a trip to the supermarket as I was running low on supplies ( _aka instant ramen)_ and catch a coffee later on the day.

Putting a pair of pants and my black leather jacket over my shirt, I prepare to go. Taking my umbrella, I get out from my apartment and begin my journey towards my destination.

There's a reason I love this weather.

It fits my mood perfectly.

 _Just focus on your task. There's a nice can of MAX Coffee waiting for you._

I calmly walk on the streets, hands in my pockets. They are mostly empty and quiet, except for a few pedestrians unlucky enough to get caught on the weather and the resonant sound of thunder in the distance. I see my breath evaporate every few seconds in front of me, a signal of the cold weather.

As I near my destination, I look forward towards one of the benches on the side of the street, adjacent to the park nearby.

I can make out a silhouette as I drew in closer, realizing it belonged to a girl, a bit _tall_ should I say; seated on said bench.

I don't pay too much attention and proceed to continue, as the last thing I wish for today is being looked as a _creepy_ , dead-eyed stalker.

But something makes me stop on my tracks.

A sniff.

 _Is she..._

Cursing mentally at myself, I reluctantly turn to my left to get a good look a this person.

She turns her head up at the same time.

We make eye contact. At first I was confused, as I could feel a vague flood of memories hitting my mind.

And then it _hits me._

 _..Kawasaika..? Kawasomething?_

 _No, it was..._

 _Kawasaki... Saki Kawasaki.._

Now I remember.

 _God...I'm awful. How could I really forget her name like that._..

I don't take a lot of time to think about it, as it downs on me that _she is crying._

I get a glimpse of her glassy, warm blue eyes as she looks at me with a few streaks of hot tears adorning her face. Her body is trembling slightly.

I'm a good observer. Komachi told me that. I can easily tell people by their looks and body language.

And I can very well tell that _she_ is in pain.

She finally speaks to me with recognition on her voice.

"H-ikigaya..."

Her voice makes my heart crumble instantly. She doesn't sound good.

 _Wait. Why am I feeling this? I don't want it. I already went past this._

And you all know how it ended.

But still... It doesn't feel right. I don't want to leave her like this. I'll see how this goes on.

 _In the end, I cannot stop it. I just care too much._

 _And that's why I always end up hurt._

I don't know want to do. I look down at her with an uneasy expression.

 _I guess we loners are more prone to feeling miserable._

She wears a simple V-neck black T-shirt and dark blue jeans.

Her face looks pale. She looks taller and has a more mature looking expression. Her hair is actually slightly longer than I remember, tied in a simple ponytail, with some wet and loose streaks falling on her face. I recognize some barely visible dark circles under her eyes.

She looks as dead as _me._

"..Hey..."

We continue staring at each other, not knowing what to do next.

They say a simple look can mean a thousand words.

Eyes are sincere. They get through everything in life. You can easily change and manipulate words. Make everything seem happy, easy. It can make the whole society actually believe you.

But eyes do not lie.

 _Just look at mine._

I see multiple things in those eyes.

 _Loneliness. Emptiness. Numbness._

I feel troubled. Uneasy.

At last, she moves a bit and pats the space next to her, signaling me to sit down.

I put my umbrella down next to me.

We don't talk for the next few seconds.

"Fancy seeing you here."

"I could say the s-ame."

Her voice sounds hoarse. I start to get more worried for her state.

"What are you doing out here?"

She answers after a few seconds.

"I just... wanted to clear my mind a bit. That was, until a rush of wind sent my umbrella flying."

That explains her slightly wet hair.

"I see."

We fall into silence again. I look down at my hands.

"You have grown quite a bit since we graduated, now that I look at you," she says at me with a tired smile.

I raise my head from looking at the ground below and turn my head, looking at her.

"So do you," I say cautiously. She really has grown a lot. Her body is even more toned.

"Same rotten eyes thought."

 _Oi woman, don't push your luck._

"Yes yes I know, thank you."

I notice a light trace of a smile forming on her mouth, but it dies almost instantly, replaced by a frown.

Something deep on me wants to know the cause of her distress, but I don't think she will just _tell_ me.

I understand her. You can't go on trusting people that easily these days.

But still...

For some reason...

I don't want to leave her alone.

I talk to her again. I guess I'll change my plans for now. Goodbye instant ramen...

"Look... I was on my way to get some coffee... would you... like.. to come with me?"

To my surprise, she nods slowly.

We stand up and begin to walk.

And then I realize that we will need to share my umbrella.

And the rain is starting to fall _hard_.

We walk slowly, side by side, looking ahead, a little closer than comfort to not get wet. I notice her stoic face with the corner of my eye.

 _I guess I'm not the only one tired of everything right now._

I look at the distance solemnly; getting on a train of thoughts.

My anxiety attacks again.

I hate it. It just comes randomly. And I can't stop them. An outsider would just think I'm overdramatic.

But trust me. It's suffocating.

And anyone who hasn't experienced it has no damn right to talk.

Now I'll end up looking pathetic.

 _Like always._

My mind is my worst enemy.

 _Stop... Stop right know... Just don't think about anything._

I let out a shaky breath and blink.

Suddenly, I feel a small _thud_ on my arm.

A pair of warm arms wrap slowly around my left arm, one of her hands interlacing with my fingers.

I look at her, but she just continues looking ahead with the same expression.

A calm warmness envelopes my body, and suddenly, my anxiety is gone.

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

 **And that's it for now.**

 **I'm sorry this is not as long as some of you would like. I already have a limit of 3200 words or more set. I just need to get accustomed to it. Also, there was really not a lot to add into this chapter.**

 **I will probably leave chapter 3 with the same numeration, but I will modify some things. I'll make it work.**

 **Please review! I wish to know your opinions so far!**


	3. 'Can You Hold Me'

**Hello. It's me again. I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter.** **Sigh... if you guys had any idea of the kind of people I have to deal with...**

 **W** **ith projects and finals on the way I'm pretty much at the edge. Still doing my best thought.** **Thanks to everyone for the reviews.** **I hope you like** **the revision.**

 **Also,thanks to wewewewewe! your corrections helped me a lot. I'm really happy you're liking the story. I wish you stay here to the vey end!** **Also, with the use of 'I', that's the only way because the story is written in present.**

 ** _Also, the reason I use '88888' as a division is because I am writing on my mobile phone since my laptop is trashed (hopefully will get it back in one or two weeks) and I have no idea how to do them on this device. Sigh._**

.zwei:

 _Thank you so much. I really liked your review. I'm also very happy that you understand and enjoy my way of writing. It means a lot for me._ _And trust me, you will love this chapter._

 **Onto the story.**

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

We walk in a comfortable silence as we near the coffee shop.

I start thinking back about everything that happened today. Not only I met with someone I have not seen for the past three years, but I can't stop looking at her with the corner of my eye.

I realize that the best way to talk about things is at the coffee shop, since a nice can and the warm feeling of getting out of the cold weather may bring up her mood for a bit.

 _At least._

On the other hand...

She's still holding onto my _arm._

I blush slightly, looking away. Hey, I am a man after all.

 _I don't want to let my guard down... That's how they all start._

"Are you uncomfortable?"

Her sudden question brings me out from my reverie for a bit.

I don't really feel... uncomfortable. Just surprised.

"Not really... just confused," I say cautiously.

"Oh."

 _Oh, you know, because everything that happened today seems completely normal_ _to you_.

"Just.. I never thought I would meet you again...and less under these circumstances."

One of her hands is still holding mine, while the other just lies softly on my forearm.

I have never been a man of contact, so this ordeal is pretty much new to me. I know some women and even men too, tend to need some physical comfort when in distress.

 _How many times have I screamed at my pillow longing for that._

 _But she?_

 _She really has changed. Back on the day, if someone would dare to touch her, she would send that poor soul flying straight to the Pacific Ocean._

 _Uh..._

"Not that I dislike the contact, but... why are you holding me like that?... I mean, do you trust me that easily?"

She seems to ponder my question, and I can feel her hesitating, as if wanting to release me, maybe thinking that she's acting too weird.

But in the end, she holds on.

"I have always trusted you, to be honest. You were a good guy back in high school, always helping people, and you helped me."

My expression gets dark for a bit at her mention of high school, and she seems to notice.

But she continues.

"Also, if you try to do something, I can knock you out."

My eye twitches.

She talks again, looking forward.

"You seemed... in distress."

"Excuse me?"

"Back then... your look was so... _pained,_ " she finishes, looking at the gray horizon.

The rain has already stopped, and the weather now feels even colder thanks to the humidity.

I close the umbrella and just carry it lazily on my right arm.

 _She's cold._

"I see," I finally answer to her, sighing softly.

I move my left arm slightly, as a signal for her to let go of my arm, which she does reluctantly.

Before she says anything, I take off my jacket as I stop and get behind her, signaling her with a nod to raise her arms so I can put it on.

She looks at me with evident confusion; but seeing my insistence, she agrees after a few seconds, raising her arms.

I put the jacket around her, and she accepts, hugging herself, satisfied.

"Don't worry about me, we're almost there."

"T-hank you...really.."

And for the first time, she smiles. Not a half smile, or a fake smile; but a _genuine_ smile.

And for some reason that _smile_ is the best thing I have seen in a long time.

 _Even better than MAX Coffee._

After a few minutes, we finally arrive at our destination.

I direct her to my favorite table; on the far corner just beside the window.

I gaze lazily towards the menu above the cash counter.

"What do you want to order?"

"O-h, let m-"

"It's on me. I insist."

She sighs and sits down.

"Just a frapuccino, please."

"Great."

I make the line to order.

The way I'm acting is completely against my ideals. But I don't really care. I don't know why, but something about seeing this girl in distress hits a nerve on me. It is pity? Or just plain worry, like any other person would be?

 _No_.

 _It's because I know that pain. The kind of pain you feel when you know you're worthless._

 _I just can't stand looking someone else feeling that way._

 _And she's_ _worried about me._

 _Besides my family and Hiratsuka, who has ever done that_ _without another intention behind it?_

I order my usual can of MAX Coffee and her frapuccino, and head back to our table.

As I near, I catch a glimpse of her. She rests her chin on her arm, with her head turned towards the window.

She faces me as soon as I sit down across from her, and we stare at each other.

She then accepts her frappuccino and smiles at me softly.

 _I can't get enough of that smile._

 _But I brought her here for a reason_.

We spend the next minutes enjoying our cans in a comfortable silence. I notice the rain start to fall again outside, contributing to the mood.

I decide to talk.

"Saki," I start, but soon, I don't know what else to say.

 _I mean, how am I supposed to do this? Does she even want to talk about it?_

Her head is down, a crestfallen expression on her face. She then looks at me.

We continue staring at each other for what feels like hours.

Just looking at each other, deep onto our eyes, as if trying to decipher what's going on at each other's minds.

She then smiles a bit.

"Your eyes are uglier than before."

 _This woman..._

Before I retaliate, she talks again.

"I'm.. _sorry."_

"About what?"

"For earlier."

"Saki... Don't bother. Honestly, this was the most eventful day I had in a while. I won't make you talk if you don't want to, but I won't _mind_ listening to you. I mean, we are both _loners_ after all. It's not right to.. bolt up your emotions."

She just looks at me dumbfounded.

 _Uh..._

It's done, I might as well finish.

"I.. you don't have t-"

"It's okay."

She interrupts me. She looks at me with the most solemn look I have seen. I freeze, not knowing what else to do, and then bring my head down, sighing and looking at my hands.

 _We're not getting anywhere._

"Can...can we talk somewhere else? Somewhere...more private?"

 _Nevermind..._

I contemplate her question. The only place we could really talk in private right now was my apartment. With this weather, the park is out of the question, and the majority of people seek refuge in coffee shops or fast food locals.

I make my decision.

"We could go talk at my apartment... if you don't mind."

She looks surprised.

"Wait. You live alone?"

"...Yes."

She looks at me questiongly.

"Is that weird?"

She talks again.

"For you, yes. I mean, I never thought you'll be able to live by yourself that early."

 _You really love having your way with me don't you?!_

"Oi, I'm perfectly capable of living by myself, thank you very much," I say proudly.

"Oh, really? Living on instant ramen on a daily basis?"

And there goes my self-confidence.

 _What do people have against instant ramen nowadays?! It's a delicious, perfectly made, and healthy_ meal!

Well not _exactly_ healthy but you get my point.

She sighs again.

"Let's drop by the supermarket. I'll cook you something."

 _Okay..._

I look at her with surprise. She's really willing to cook something for me?

"I don't mind. I could use something different for once."

Truth is, as much as I loved my pre-made meal, I was growing tired of eating the same dinner every night, so I could try something different for once.

"Then it's settled."

We spend the next half hour on the supermarket buying the ingredients she wanted. We felt comfortable around each other, and I felt a _ease._ My anxiety is gone for the moment and she also seems less troubled for now.

You know that feeling when your worries dissapear, even if it's for a little while? That's how we feel. We even crack a smile or two, commenting on random things.

We arrive at my apartment just as the night comes.

As we go inside, she then starts to slowly take off my jacket and look around the place.

"I like it..."

"Really?"

"Yes... it's simple... It reflects your personality. It feels... nice. It feels... like a _home._ "

"...That's a nice choice of words right there."

She answers me with smile of her own.

And without realizing it... I found myself _smiling_ too.

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

Her cooking is _amazing._ Even it being a simple miso soup with a bowl of rice enough of us two, I was pleasantly surprised.

It also made me realize how much I missed my dear sister's cooking.

We wash the dishes together, mentally preparing for our inevitable talk.

"I missed it...cooking for someone. I used to all the time when my sister was little."

I look at her as she continues on her task, her expression crestfallen again.

"I missed this kind of ordeal actually. I won't mind you cooking for me from time to time."

She looks at me with motherly smile while finishing with the last of the dishes.

 _She has changed a lot.. physically and emotionally alike._

 _Her expression is... impossible to describe. Grown up, but young at the same time._

 _She looks..._

 _Full of maturity._

And I find myself looking at her, lost in my thoughts, without realizing she's also looking me back at me.

That longing look.

I snap out of it.

I sigh. Here we go. Not going back.

"Saki."

"Hmm," she mumbles looking down at the floor.

"Let's sit and talk for a while," I finally say with resolution on my voice.

 _This is it._

She follows me to the living room's couch and we sit down.

She is the first to break the silence.

"How is your life, Hikigaya?"

Her question takes me by surprise. I contemplate my answer.

 _...Do you really wish to know?_

I release a long sigh. She's looking at me. I put my hands behind my head, relaxing onto the couch.

 _Calm down. Be sincere._

 _Heh._

"Could be better."

Seeing that she's not satisfied, I continue.

"I mean, I don't really think it's something worth to talk about. I would just come out as overexaggerated."

"If I tell you about mine; would I come out as overexagg-"

 _"No."_

I stop her.

"Not in a million years, Saki. I _saw_ you crying today. Even when I have not seen you in years, the moment I saw you in that state my heart broke. I couldn't _stand_ it. I respected you back on high school. You were secure of yourself, and made yourself look intimidating to others, everyone feared you. And then I see you again in that state... _Did someone do something to you?"_

I c _an't stand it._

I feel _tired._ I'm so fucking tired of my life and my pain is so _immense_ every _fucking_ day that seeing someone in the same state as me makes be feel hopeless. Miserable. Desperate.

 _Why the hell do people enjoy hurting others?_

Suddenly, she takes my hand and holds it, softly tracing circles against my palm.

" _Please_ , calm down. I don't like seeing you like this..."

I calm down after some minutes.

"Why did you snap like that? Please, tell me..."

 _I guess I'll just tell her.._

"It's just some sort of anxiety problem...It started a little while after we graduated. My mind is a mess. I'll like to say that I'm okay, but that's just a plain lie. I'll tell you after you finish yours, okay?"

She looks doubful, as if not wanting myself to hold my emotions, but I look at her softly, giving her hand a tight squeeze.

She enjoys the feeling, closing her eyes for a moment.

"It's strange, you know, we just met again this morning and now we're like this."

I laugh.

"That's just the way of life. Also, think of it as part of the loner's code. We help each other on rough times. I mean, we really not have anyone else, do we?"

My mind is screaming at me.

 _You can't trust her._

 _She's going to leave as fast as she feels better. She's just with_ you _because she doesn't have anyone else._

 _Don't get you hopes high. She's playing you, don't you realize it?!_

 ** _Song: Can You Hold Me - NF ft. Britt Nicole_**

She makes an melancholic smile.

She lets go of my hand, sighing as she looks at the lamp above us.

And then she starts. And I listen.

"You really are a good person, Hikigaya...you care about people, even with your outside attitude," she says softy, "I mean, you brought me here.. just to _talk_ to me. You could easily have left, but you stayed...that's..that's the best thing someone has done for me lately."

 _You just want to get something from me. I know it._

An immense feeling of pain suddenly overwhelms me.

I can see her eyes water a bit, but she holds in.

"I'm just..tired...you know..people just have no idea how it feels to not belong _anywhere._ To feel _empty_. To feel _idiotic._ "

"I graduated from school three years ago and don't have any idea of what to do with my life. I took journalism as a career but just because I didn't know what else to do! I can't talk to anyone, seek advice, my parents are _never_ home and when they are they're always fighting, but it doesn't matter because I don't live at my house anymore, my siblings don't understand me...people judge me...think I am _detestable._ I just..it's just so _painful..._ the anxiety, the impotence...the _loneliness..."_

She's unable to contain her pain anymore. The light emanating from the lamp above us briefly reflects on her eyes, signaling she's about to cry. She lets out a final choke, bringing her hand onto her mouth just on time as she starts to cry silently.

 _And I can't take it anymore._

 _Because every damn word she said blew a thousand bullets through my heart._

 _Because every damn word she said made sense._

Everything hits me like a giant tsunami wave.

 _The loneliness I have felt my whole life._

 _The endless pain._

 _The anxiety._

 _The feeling of impotence._

 _Being worthless. Absolutely worthless._

 _The numbness._

"T-ell me... Hikigaya! Why can't we just be normal people?! Why can't we have friends?! Why does it _hurts_ so much?!"

 ** _"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!"_**

I scream in agony.

She glances at me, her big eyes glassy and full of fresh tears.

"Y-ou... you think I wanted to be like this?! huh?! You think I fucking asked for this shit?! If I knew how to get rid of this suffocating feeling inside me I would have done it fucking years ago!"

I'm trembling. I can feel my own tears starting to fall. I choke.

 _Pathetic._

"I didn't ask for this... I didn't ask for have the _ugliest_ eyes on earth! I didn't ask to have a rotten attitude! I didn't ask for everyone to use me as a fucking _t_ _ool!"_

"And you want to know the best part? You have no choice but to act like you're okay. You have to act all _fine_. Because your mind _f_ _ucks_ with you. You don't have the courage to do something to save yourself. Because your mind convinces you that you are just acting like a crybaby. And you fall for it. **And you drown.** "

And just like that, I'm unable to say anything else.

I start to cry.

 _Ho_ _w pathetic._

Suddenly, I feel a strong tug at my shirt.

She closes her hands into knuckles while holding me, bringing her head close to my chest but not touching it, as if hesitating, her teeth clenched and her hair falling onto her face and covering her eyes. Tears start to fall on my shirt.

And then she screams.

Desperately, almost simultaneously, we lose all sense of reason and just crash against each other.

We hold onto each other for dear life; lying down forcefully on the couch as if the world would eat us alive if we don't.

I choke softly, bringing my head onto her chest while clutching her back as hard as I can, as she lies on top of me while resting her face against the side of the couch beside my head, screaming at it while using her hand to caress my hair.

We stay like that for who knows for how long, both trembling, just letting our pathetic feelings out.

I don't really realize when we fall asleep.

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

I wake up partially probably a few hours later. I'm only half-awake.

There's a weight on top of me. I only recall moving her slowly, and getting up to turn off the living room lamp.

I go back to the couch, still half-awake, not really aware of my state. I hug her from behind, and use my other arm to release her ponytail. I rest my chin above her head.

The smell of her hair makes me smile.

Just as I am about to fall back asleep, I become aware of the pouring rain outside. The thunder wakes her up briefly, and I hear her sigh deeply.

"Shhhh... It's fine... let's go back to sleep. We'll talk in the morning, 'kay?"

She softly interlaces her fingers against mine, and moves her head a bit as If wanting my face to be buried in her hair.

 _I can trust her._

And we fall back asleep, and for the first time of the day, at _peace._

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 **Done.**

 **I think this is the way it should be. They are tired. They are desperate. They are in _pain._**

 **This is not your typical romance comedy. This is pure _angst_. Real, painful _, hard_ love. Because that's what love is.**

 **I also guess you are starting to realize why this story is rated M. You'll find out soon enough.**


	4. Change

My heard hurts.

I start to wake up. The first sound I can recognize is the falling rain.

 _Looks like this bad weather won't be stopping anytime soon._

I open my eyes slowly and get a hold of my surroundings.

The sun has not come out yet, and I can note the flashes of lightning coming from the window.

 _What time is it...? Probably 5 or 6 AM._

Suddenly, I become aware of a feeling above my head.

Her hand pets my hair softly; sometimes just tracing slow circles, and other times keeping it still at one specific place; just moving her fingers in a slow pace.

 _She's already awake._

I close my eyes again for a few seconds, just enjoying the feeling, and feel my headache slowly fade away.

After a few moments, I look at her. It's still dark, but with the flashes coming from the raging storm, I can see her.

Her body lies completely on top of mine.

Her head is lying at my chest, hair all over the place, tickling my neck. I can make out a soft expression, as her right cheek is lying on my chest, and she glances at no particular direction.

"...Yo."

She chuckles.

"Is that how you meet someone who just slept with you?"

 ** _Huh?_**

"We... Did w-"

"We didn't. _Geez_ , calm down."

 _I feel stupid for saying that comment._

"Sorry... my head is still a mess from yesterday."

I recall all the events that transpired yesterday. Meeting her... and ending up screaming our lungs out at my apartment.

I start tracing patterns on her back, and she sighs in content.

"Hmm," she mumbles quietly, closing her eyes again.

We stay like that for some minutes; the only audible sounds being our breaths and the thunder from outside.

"What time is it?", she asks, moving her head so her chin is now resting on my chest.

"Probably close to six. I'm not sure."

"I see... It's still early."

"Yes."

She starts talking again.

"I don't remember when we fell asleep."

Now that she mentions it, she's right.

"Me neither... I guess we really got caught up in the moment."

"...T-he way you say some things..."

"Can't help it. It's on my blood." I answer lazily, glancing at the ceiling above us.

We fall into silence, just enjoying the atmosphere and listening to the rage of the storm.

"Hey, Hikigaya."

"Hmm."

"How did you manage to live by yourself?"

 _Heh. I knew you won't let that pass._

"Are you that doubtful of me?"

"No... I'm just curious."

I analyze her question. Quite frankly, I didn't believe I would be able to convince my parents of getting my own place. But it happened.

 _Who knows. Easier for them perhaps. Now that I work and pay my own rent and bills, it's one less mouth to feed._

"Beats me. It was complicated at first; even more because they know I can't cook for shit, but in the end they got tired of my insistence and accepted. Besides, they're both corporate slaves, so with me living by myself it was less money to waste."

"Have you really been living on instant food for these years?"

"Kinda."

"How come you're not fat?"

"I don't eat a lot. Besides, I exercise from time to time; also adding that I have to walk to university almost every morning."

"I see."

"What about you? Do you live by yourself?"

"Yes. My place is not far from here actually. It was fairly easy to get it though. I can take care of myself, so my parents didn't really care."

"Oh..."

I think about asking more about her parents, but I decide against it. We're both emotionally tired at this point and it would just be stupid to bring that up at the present moment.

Instead, we end up up falling in silence for a few moments, but instead of awkward, it feels right.

"I think we should sleep for a few more hours. This storm won't be stopping anytime soon."

"You're right", she talks softly; resting her cheek on my chest again and getting comfortable, closing her eyes.

I glance one last time at the ceiling, and before I know it, sleep starts to overcome me.

And just at the last moments before I succumb into darkness, she talks one last time, most probably to herself; since she may believe I am already sleeping.

"Neh... Hikigaya... Thank you."

 **888888888888888888888888888888**

My eyes open again.

The sun has already come up, but the light coming from outside is just minimal; as the rain shows no sign of stopping.

I also notice that Saki is gone.

I sit on the couch, wondering where could she be, until I can hear the water running in the bathtub.

 _I see... she's bathing._

I should take a bath too.

Getting up from the couch, I walk into my kitchen and fix myself a bowl of cereal.

As soon as I am done, I hear the sounds from the running water at the bathroom die down.

 _I guess she's already done._

I start heading to my bedroom to get a new change of clothes, as I am going to bath next.

That's what I had in mind though; until she suddenly gets out from the bathroom with nothing but a towel covering her body.

And she just looks at me, hands on her hips, her wet hair falling as long as her knees, in the middle of the hallway, like it is the most normal thing in the world.

"O... Oi!"

"...What?"

"Just _what?!_ That's all you have to say? You're naked!"

She looks at me with an raised eyebrow.

"Hikigaya... _Chill._ You're an adult. I'm not showing anything. Don't act like a _horny_ kid."

I feel my eyebrow twitch multiple times.

"Where are your clothes?"

"I washed them. They're still wet."

 _Oh._

Makes sense. She had the same clothes since yesterday; and with yesterday's outburst, we couldn't care less about getting a warmer set of clothes.

"I see, follow me."

She crosses her arms a looks at me questionably.

"Oi. I won't bite. I'll give you something to put on until your clothes dry."

"Fine."

She then follows me to my bedroom, looking around when she's inside.

"What? Did you expect something else?"

"Not really, it's actually better than I expected. Could be cleaner though."

"Are you some sort of cleaning maniac?"

"Very funny. Actually, for a man's standard, it's great. You're not so bad on keeping the place. I'm impressed."

I don't know if I should feel offended or flattered at that.

I can see her glancing at my bed.

"That's a pretty nice bed. Just looking at it makes me want to sleep."

 _And you talk about my choice of words. You're not different than me, don't hide it._

"Of course it is. It's where two months worth of my salary went into. My most precious possession."

"...That's just sad."

"No investment is wasted when you're proud of it."

"...Okay."

I proceed to go into the closet in order to find something for her. I come out with a gray long t-shirt and a pair of black pyjama pants, along with a pair of boxers for her to wear, since her underwear is wet too.

"Here. Suit yourself. I'm going to bath now. Oh, you can do anything you want for breakfast. I already ate."

"Fine."

I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth.

 _Hmm. I see she found the spare toothbrush inside the cabinet._

 _Why the hell did I have one by the way? Well, at least it came up handy._

I enter into the shower and take a relaxing bath.

I particularly have no problem with having a girl sleep on top of me, but now my back hurts a freaking lot.

I sigh as I take my towel.

 _What exactly follows now? I guess she's going to leave later in the day._

 _Will we act like nothing happened?_

 _Will we see each other again?_

 _Will we ever talk to each other again?_

My brain is full with these kind of thoughts as I head to my room, my hair wet and the towel covering my lower body.

After I get my change of clothes, I find her at the kitchen fixing a sandwich for herself.

Her back is to me, and I can't stop looking at her.

How _cute_ she looks wearing my pyjamas, how my t-shirt looks so big on her that it falls way belong her hips, how her messy sky blue long hair looks so... _perfect_ on her.

 _Fuck ponytails! Her hair should be loose everyday!_

She becomes aware of my presence, and turns around, facing me.

 _Holy..._

She notices me staring at her.

 _How the hell is she still single..._

"You know, if you're gonna keep staring at me," she mumbles quietly, getting close to me.

And then she holds my chin, closing my open mouth.

"At least close that mouth."

"...Sorry."

"Don't be", she answers, turning around and getting back to the counter to finish her sandwich.

"Actually, I'm flattered. Oh, these clothes are really comfortable by the way."

We sit at the couch. I'm just silent, as Saki munches on her breakfast.

 _What are we...? We just met yesterday. Yes, we already knew each other and respected each other, but our life is not even a shadow of what it was back in high school._

As she finishes her food, I decide to ask some things.

"Saki."

"Hmm."

"What did you do after we graduated? Didn't you and Ebina talk again?"

She analyzes my question for a bit, looking at the wall on the other side of the living room.

Just as I start wishing that I didn't ask, she responds.

"After the spectacle that happened at the party after graduation, the whole clique shattered. I was not part of that group, I never wanted to be honestly, but it took a toll on my friendship with Ebina. She just... didn't talk to me again. Everyone was affected. But I don't blame her. I didn't contact her either."

 _What happened at that party?_

I went home with my family immediately after the ceremony. There was no way in hell I was going to that party. I would not give those two the pleasure of dancing together to some slow song knowing that I was watching from afar.

My thoughts get interrupted by Saki calling my name.

"Hikigaya."

"Sorry. I was out for a little."

"You space out a lot."

"Don't worry about that. It's just me being me."

She looks at the floor.

What I'm about to ask next is a question that I know I don't want to hear the answer.

"Saki... What happened at that party?"

"You weren't there? Now that I recall; I never saw you."

"No. I wasn't."

I hear her sigh softly; now lying her head back on the couch and looking at the ceiling.

"Everyone was taken by surprise. No one expected it. Not even me. The only one who was not surprised was Yuigahama."

"Spit it out," I intervene.

Of course I don't want to hear.

But I'm a masochist.

"A love song came in. And suddenly, Yukinoshita and Hayato started dancing.They were looking at each other with what was probably the most romantic look that two people in love could have. It attracted everyone's attention. No one could believe it. And when the song ended... they _kissed._ "

 _Of course._

"No one knew about their relationship until that moment. How they managed to hide it that well... I just have no idea..."

"What happened after that?" I ask her, but my mind is somewhere else.

She doesn't answer immediately.

"Yumiko lost it. I disliked her, but seeing her face at just that moment made everyone who knew about her crush on Hayato feel bad for her. Even me. I felt all the pain she was feeling at that moment. She had to be restrained by three men. She was going to rip Yukinoshita's head off."

I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now. I remember it clearly. The next day after the ceremony. Everyone was talking about those two. But I never bothered finding out what happened. I don't know how, but I managed. I quit all social media for a month. I did not get out of my house during that time. The only times I would leave my bedroom was to the bathroom or to eat. I was so intent on forgetting everything. And I knew I would lose the last bit of sanity I still had left if I found out.

I just look at the floor in disgrace.

 _Thank God I wasn't there. I don't think I could have handled that. I would have choked that bastard to death._

"After all of that... they just left. No explanation, not anything. They just said goodbye and marched their way out of the place. Next thing I knew, three days later, they were already on their merry way to study abroad."

She is now looking at me, as if wanting answers from me.

"To this day, I still don't understand. Those two never talked at school. And of top of that why make that sce-"

"That's how rich people _think_."

She stops talking, looking me on the eyes.

"It's an act of publicity. The heirs of two insanely famous and wealthy families declare their undying love for each other. To the press, that's pure gold. And to them? Is attention, money. They're the trend of the week, and they love it. It means _profit._ "

I feel a hand hold mine, and the warm it transpires ends my reverie instantly.

I smile softly at her.

"Hikigaya... did you knew?"

I do not answer immediately.

 _I wish I never did._

"Only Yuigahama knew. They were already in a relationship for two months. I was told two weeks before graduation."

"But you were her f-"

" ** _No. I wasn't._** "

The look she gives me is unreadable. Her face is a mix of anger and pity.

"I was not Yukinoshita's friend, nor Yuigahama's friend."

And in that precise moment, the most inadequate moment...

I smile darkly directly at her.

"I was just their _tool._ "

She says nothing else.

That is until a sudden rush of pain hits my back.

"Damn..."

"What is it?"

"It's just my back. It hurts..."

"Does it hurt because..."

"Don't worry about it. What happened yesterday was something we both needed and I won't hesitate in doing it again."

The look she gives after that is more than enough.

"Come," she says softly and looking at me with a warm smile, patting her legs.

"What?"

"And take your shirt off."

"Huh?!"

"Don't get excited, Hikigaya. I'll just massage your back."

I'm about to say something, but the pain itching my back finally convinces me.

I take off my shirt, and immediately lie face down, my middle body on her legs and my head resting at the armrest of the couch.

She starts to massage my poor back slowly and softly; so skillfully that I can't help but release some embarrassing moans.

"My god... Is there something you don't know to do?"

"Being social, I guess."

"Fuck society."

"I don't know if I should second you on that."

"Whatever."

She continues with her massage, my pain already fading away.

"You have a handsome back."

I immediately turn my head around and look at her as if she just went crazy.

She's blushing...

"W-what? You should feel proud. I gave you a compliment."

I get my head back down at the armrest.

"And you have a damn fine body. And your hair is majestic, do not ever tie it into a ponytail again. And you look cute as hell in my pyjamas."

She chuckles softly.

"Thank you. That's the first compliment a man has said to me."

"The rest of the world is just blind."

As a response, one of her hands starts caressing my hair, while the other keeps working on my back.

We spend ten minutes like this.

My pain finally subsiding, I lift myself from the couch, Saki following swift.

She talks.

"I should go now. The rain has stopped. It will be surely come back again. I should go home before it and get some studying done."

"I understand, let's get your clothes."

Fifteen minutes later, and we're at my doorway, Saki already wearing her clothes.

She turns around one last time.

And gives me the softest, warmest and most comforting hug I had ever received in my miserable life.

Her arms circle my back completely and her face is cutely buried in my chest.

I close my eyes and bury my face on her hair, smelling my shampoo that she used when bathing in the morning.

"Hikigaya," she says, separating from me a little and looking up at me.

"I know this is weird to both of us. Sudden. Just unimaginable days ago. But... I want to change. I want you to change. Maybe we can end up accepting ourselves. So... I want us to try. To act. To support each other. To not let each other fall deeper. Promise me... you'll be here until the end."

I look at her with a sincere look, and I can't help but smile.

 _Aren't we in for a ride..._

"Until the end."

She smiles widely at me, letting go. After saying goodbye, I close the door.

And I can feel hot tears leaving my eyes, and falling onto the floor, my head resting against the door.

 _Little he knew, that the sky-haired girl could not stop her own tears of relief from falling on her entire way home._

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 **Here you go. Please review.**


	5. Not A Date

**Yo. So, here's the chapter. This week surely has got its ups and downs… what a ride…**

 **Anyway.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **Also, I got a beta! His name is The Wizard Rider and I will gladly credit him from now on since his help means a lot. I decided to upload the chapter and update it later with the corrections he finds since he's unavailable now. With his help and the program I'm using for proofreading, I hope you enjoy the chapter more.**

 **8888888888888888**

I hate Mondays.

I mean _who doesn't?_

You are forced to abandon your two days of blissful freedom before having to forcefully enter real life again.

Well, not so forcefully... but if you want to live under a roof and have something to eat the next day then you have no choice.

So, in the end, I will hate Mondays for the rest of my life.

 _And my biggest dream was becoming a house-husband..._

I get up from my bed lazily, and head to the bathroom, starting my morning routine.

After a quick shower, I brush my teeth, and after putting in a black t-shirt with my jacket over it and a pair of white pants, I head up to the kitchen.

After my breakfast, I find myself walking to the university.

Just knowing that I have to work today affects my already irritable mood.

 _Mondays should not exist._

I know! A can of MAX Coffee will give me the strength to win this battle!

Just a problem.

The nearest vending machine is still about 20 minutes away.

 _Yay!_

That's my luck for you.

I guess I have to entertain myself with something else. I look up forward, and I can make out a few people also headed for university, other are just corporate slaves or high schoolers.

 _Last week has gone quickly..._

It's been one week since Saki slept at my apartment.

We have kept in touch since. We were unable to talk a lot outside our assignments and our workload is pretty high.

She works at a bookstore from Monday to Friday.

Well... let's say that I have a... meeting today.

That sounds professional. Except it isn't.

But it's better than saying that I have a date.

Because I don't. And it's inappropriate.

We agreed to meet up today after she leaves from work, which is, fortunately, about the same time I get off from my work at the manga store.

 _Another yay._

Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely no problem with meeting up with Saki, but the fact that the only time of the day when we are able to is also when I am the most tired is just... upsetting.

On the other hand. This ordeal feels... exciting. This is a really rare occurrence in my life so I should live up to it.

As I finish with my thoughts, I find myself in the main building.

I still have about ten minutes before the first lecture starts.

 _Which means..._ _Yeah_ _you got it!_

A few minutes later, I'm entering the classroom, my precious can of MAX Coffee in hand.

I can note Saki entering the room moments later, a pack of books in her arms, clutching them against her chest.

I give her a wave while still drinking my coffee.

As soon as she sees me, she gives me a small smile and starts heading towards me.

She's wearing a simple long-sleeve coat and black pants.

And her hair is once again tied in a ponytail.

 _Why? That hair should not be kept for showing it's full beauty_.

But when you come think of it, should be a pain in the ass to live your everyday routine with your hair loose and falling on your eyes every five seconds.

Especially if your hair is almost as long as that princess that is always trapped in a tower.

 _Western culture._

 _Ours is not less weird either._

"Again with that? With all that sugar entering your system every morning, you'll get diabetes before turning thirty," she says with a bit of worry in her voice, seating on the desk beside me.

"It's an affordable risk," I answer nonchalantly, turning my head towards her, finishing my can, "Good morning."

 _And you don't have a right to talk either. You smoked back in high school._

 _Does she now?_

 _Probably._

"Good...morning," she replies, yawning afterward and resting her head on the desk, one arm serving as a makeshift pillow and the other just extended forward.

"You look... tired," I answer after getting a good look at her state.

"I'm always tired," she says, voice muffled by her position, "It's a rule in my life."

"I guess that makes two," I tell her, "But you are unusually tired today."

"I didn't sleep very well last night."

"I see," I reply, getting my books from my bag.

She lifts herself after that, using both of her arms as a support for her head.

I don't comment anything else.

We have to spend the next hour and a half listening to the boring lecture. It was something having to do with ancient Japanese literature and how it changed as the centuries went by.

I already knew just about everything the teacher said.

And with the face Saki is doing right know, I get the idea of how bored the rest of the class is.

She falls asleep at her desk just minutes later, her arms somehow still able to support her head just fine.

And even when the rings sounds, signaling the end of the hour, she stays the same.

 _This girl..._

I'm now standing in front of her seated form, bag hanging from my side, looking down at her with a bored expression. I can smell her perfume.

"Oi."

No response.

"Wake up."

She doesn't move an inch.

Sigh.

I think about poking her, hoping I won't receive a panicked slap on the face as a response.

Deciding that I don't want to spend the whole day in the classroom, I proceed.

I poke my finger at the right side of her face.

"H-uh?! W-what?!"

She looks a bit shaken up, but at least I didn't receive a slap.

"Finally."

She looks around the empty classroom, moving her head left and right in a funny fashion.

And then, finally, she just looks down in embarrassment.

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

After that, we depart the classroom and start heading to our next respective classes.

"I'll see you later, Hikigaya, okay?"

"Fine," I say, waving my hand and entering the next class.

The rest of the day went by smoothly, as the rest of the lectures were just a little less boring.

I saw Saki from afar from time to time.

I still have a few minutes of rest before I head to work, so I decide to eat something quickly at the cafeteria.

I kinda like the place, honestly. It's a big one, and since my majority of the students are heading home or work, it is mostly empty.

Except for this girl.

There she is, completely unaware of her surroundings, resting her face against the lone table she is in, probably asleep.

I sigh.

 _Not even me..._

And I thought I was lazy as hell.

Well... she's not lazy, just tired.

Whatever.

I head to the counter and order a cappuccino for her.

I already find it strange how tired she looks.

There were times back at high school when I could note some tiredness within her, but that's nothing when you compare it to how it is now.

 _Her voice is softer... could that be because of her fatigue?_

 _Her eyes are almost always downcast._

 _And the most notable factor, the dark circles under her eyes._

I make a mental note of asking her about it when I pick her up from work tonight.

 _Now onto my current predicament..._

Poke.

"W-what?!"

She looks up at me anxiously.

Her tired, half-closed eyes gaze into my dead, boring ones.

"Yo."

She answers with a cute yawn.

"Have this."

She looks at the can of coffee in my hand and accepts it with a grateful smile.

"Thank you," she answers sincerely, taking a small sip and blowing on it so the coffee gets colder.

"So," I start, taking the seat on the other side of the table, in front of her, "When do you have to work?"

"My shift starts in about an hour."

"I see," I answer, thoughtful.

The bookstore she works at is actually two blocks from where I work, so I could accompany her.

"Mind if I accompany you on your way to work? I don't have anything else to do."

Her face perks up a bit.

"Sure, I don't mind."

"Great."

At least I can keep an eye on her for now.

I would not like to be in her place. With all that tiredness, I would be punching every single customer that dares to disturb my peace at work.

"Wanna eat something?"

"I already ate."

"I see."

Deciding on eating a simple sandwich for myself, I get up from the seat to order.

A few minutes later we are set to go.

"Let's go," I tell Saki, who decided to take another nap while I ate.

She wakes up this time, thankfully.

We walk side by side.

Although the rain has subsided, the weather is nowhere near ideal. The sky is gray, the sounds of distant thunder can be heard occasionally, and the air feels cold.

I glance at her, noting that the coffee at least had a bit of effect on her state. Although less tired, she yawns from time to time.

"Say... Saki."

"Hmm."

"Are you sure about meeting up tonight? You are obviously not in the best state... I don't want to force yo-"

"It's fine, Hikigaya. I'm not as weak as you believe, I'm used to it," she mutters lazily, her voice soft and low.

I can't help but feel uneasy. I don't want her to feel obligated to meet with me as a form of compensation for what happened last week.

 _I don't want others to feel sorry for me. It makes me feel even more worthless._

 _Don't think like that. We agreed to talk more to each other. She's just living up the promise._

I look at her with an expressionless face.

But before I'm able to say anything, she talks.

"I know what you're thinking. You think I feel obligated to do this."

 _Damn. She's good._

"I don't blame you. We always tend to think the worst about every situation. Because of that, you believe I am sacrificing myself because I feel pity for you," she says with a smile.

"I am really glad you are worried about me," she continues, using one of her hands to move a part of her hair that had fallen in front of her face, "But it's okay. I want to hang out with you and see what happens... maybe get to know more about each other. I don't want to drown myself in my misery anymore...And I don't want you either," She finishes the last phrase as if talking to herself rather than me, clutching her bag more firmly, her eyes closing a little.

I don't know how to react to that, so I just answer her with a weird nod and look forward. We are already arriving at her workplace.

As we stand before the entrance, she turns around, looking at me with a tender smile.

"I'll see you tonight, okay?"

And no matter how much I don't want to, or how much I want her to just go home and rest, I can't stop my own smile.

"Okay. Take care, Saki."

After that, she goes in, and I'm left there, contemplating.

They say humans are scared of change. While change means you are willing to modify your style of life, or realize your mistakes and seek for redemption, It can also end up having consequences if you're not careful.

And that scares me.

My mind refuses to change. All the warning alarms are sounding inside my head right now. While I may look calm on the outside, I am freaking out on the inside.

But for some reason, I refuse to go back.

Some inner part of me is fighting with all its might. Instead of distress, that part feels determination. And it won't let my mind win so easily.

 _I guess... I just have to see what happens._

 **88888888888888888**

I sigh quietly.

The clock marks eight thirty. Which means I am finally able to leave this damn store.

The place is actually not that bad, it's just plain boring. Since it's not a weekend, the place stays mostly empty a good part of the day, forcing me into hours of peaceful solitude, except for a customer every half or one hour.

And while I enjoy my solitude from time to time, I do not like spending it behind a damn cash register.

Taking off my uniform, I get my bag and leave, heading to the library.

I find her just standing there, at the entrance, waiting for me patiently.

She's smoking.

As she notes me getting closer, she turns her head to me and gives me a tiny smile.

Even with all her tiredness and lack of energy, her smile still manages to make me feel numb.

 _Oh? What is this? You're not fair, Saki. You were mocking me this morning when I was enjoying my sugary drink, and yet you are here doing something even worse. That's foul play._

''Yo.''

''You and your simple greetings,'' she answers, looking up at me. Even with her being well above average height, she is still a little shorter than me, the top of her head ending just at the height of my nose.

''I'm a simple man, I think I made that clear already,'' I answer with a small smile of my own, looking at her. Even when she is still visibly tired, she doesn't look as bad as she did this morning.

''Don't worry; I think the whole world is already aware of that,'' she says mockingly as she finishes the last blow from the cigarette and we start to walk away from the place.

I chuckle.

We walk in silence for the next few minutes, with no particular destination in mind. My hands are in my pockets, the air I exhale every few seconds evaporating in front of me, the same for Saki.

I look at her with the corner of my eye.

Her oversized coat makes her look cute in some way.

I decide to break the silence.

''I thought you were not smoking anymore. I never saw you doing it on campus.''

''I don't do it as usually as I did back in high school… But old habits die hard, I guess,'' she says, releasing a soft sigh and looking up at the cloudy night sky.

''Do you want to stop?''

''Yeah, honestly, I don't like it anymore. But you know how it is. Easier said than done.''

''Yes,'' I answer her.

 _I guess everyone has their own share of inner demons to deal with._

''So, where do you want to go?''

''I was thinking about the coffee shop where we went the last time. I actually liked the place.''

''I see. Then we're settled.''

Roughly fifteen minutes of walking later, we arrive at the place. It is empty due to the time of the day, and the sign at the door indicates there's still around an hour and a half left until closing time.

Entering, we find a nice spot in one corner of the place, sitting at the place we did last time not being necessary since the store is practically empty.

I order two frappuccinos for both of us since I not really wish to drink that much sugar at this time of the day.

And that, of course, didn't stop Saki from mocking me.

''Oh, so now you are looking for a change,'' she says sarcastically, raising an eyebrow and looking at our drinks.

''Cut it. Even I have some self-care.''

''You don't even believe that yourself.''

 _At least she's not as hard as Yukino._

''Oi, even when I live on instant ramen or any simple thing I can fix myself; I'm actually having a pretty good health, thank you very much.''

''You're welcome.''

After our interesting conversation, we spend the next minutes enjoying our drinks. I end up getting lost while looking at her.

I don't care how many times I say it. She has changed a lot these three years.

Not as shy as she was before, at least not around me. But she's not open either. Her so-called delinquent attitude she used to protect herself is long gone, now replaced by a soft and motherly one. Her voice is also different, it now sounds much more mature and deep. Her physique is also very different. She's taller, her curves now more toned. Her breasts, even when they stayed the same, look even more beautiful now that the rest of her body has grown. Her hair is a _treasure_ , so long it goes down her back completely, the mix of silver and very light blue being just the _perfect_ combination.

If someone asked me what kind of woman I would like to have in my life, Saki is just the perfect example. She's physically beautiful, she has a mature aura all around her, she dresses simply and nicely, and when she needs to tell you something she will do it fair and square.

She's real.

''Do I look that interesting?''

 _Shit!_

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I ended up looking straight at her like a complete idiot.

I look away embarrassingly, not knowing what else to do.

''Sorry.''

''…You excuse yourself too much,'' she says, giving me a tender look.

''Just…I know I looked kind of creepy while staring.''

''Well, girls like it when a man stares at them. It boosts their self-confidence.''

''…Do I boost your self-confidence?''

''Honestly, I like it, but I'm not like all those girls who squeal all over it. I just… feel a little happy,'' she finishes, blushing in a cute way, looking down at the table, playing with her hands.

She continues.

''Also, don't underestimate yourself, Hikigaya. Even if your eyes are not the best thing to look that, you have got quite handsome. I actually like your longer hair. You're leaner, too, and you dress nicely.

Komachi has helped me quite a bit in the dressing department, but it's not like I was that bad, I just needed a little help.

''And your voice… I like your voice. It's… comforting to hear.''

Now I'm blushing immensely.

''That's a weird to put it…''

She shrugs, ''That's the best way I can describe it,'' she tells me, giving me a sincere look.

I give her my own smile.

''Hikigaya, you are a really nice person… don't think badly of yourself.''

I'm out of words.

''Thank you… I guess.''

She answers with a smile.

She actually thinks good of me. Not like others. I know I didn't have the best attitude back then, not even now. But, for once, someone points out some good things about me instead of focusing on the bad things.

Only Hiratsuka did that.

Others were just fake people wanting to get something from me while giving me half-hearted compliments.

Looking at her phone after a few moments, she sees the time.

''Let's go, it's getting late.'

''Okay.''

Exiting the store, we are embraced by the cold late night air.

We walk in a comfortable silence, greatly enjoying each other's presence.

Suddenly, she brings her hand on top of mine, interlacing our fingers, and tracing her characteristic soft circles with her thumb in the palm of my hand.

With her directions, we arrive at her place approximately twenty minutes later.

She lives in a small building, probably hosting three or four apartments.

Getting up the stairs, we arrive at her front door.

''I guess I'll see you tomorrow,'' I say.

''Yeah,'' she answers, and suddenly, she brings up her right hand to my left cheek, caressing my face tenderly, make me blush.

And then, slowly, she kisses my cheek softly, for around three seconds, before pulling back and looking me straight at my face, her eyes locked on mine, a small blush on her cheeks.

''See you tomorrow, Hikigaya… and remember, you are better than you think.''

And then she enters her home, looking at me one last time before closing the door.

Exiting my dumbfounded state, I leave and head for my home, my mind racing.

 _This girl… this girl is something else…_

I was too numb to even remember asking about her lack of sleep.

 **8888888888888**

 **That's it. I really don't have a lot to say. Things are starting to go forward!** **Stay tuned for the next chapter.**


	6. Laziness and Sleep Problems

Weekends are the most sacred days for loners. They serve as the perfect time to recharge our batteries and face the cold cruelties of life and society. Also, they help us satisfy our never-ending sleeping desires.

To put it more simply, the only things I do during weekends besides my Saturday morning class are eating, bathing and of course, sleeping.

I consider myself a pretty good student at the University. Since I have nothing better to do, I mostly spend my time doing assignments long before they are due for presentation, so when weekends come along, I can spend most of them just relaxing and doing absolutely nothing.

The perfect life.

I'm already looking forward to just doing that as I am finishing my lecture for the day. The teacher let us some homework to do, but it was actually fairly easy so I can do it later in the night or just tomorrow afternoon.

However...

I sigh.

Lazily, I turn my head to my right, looking at my never-ending predicament.

And there she is, fast asleep, using her arms as a pillow and her head turned towards me, a peaceful expression on her face.

 _So is this going to happen every day from now on?_

Maybe it has been happening for a longer time actually, but since we didn't talk back then, I did not notice.

Seriously…

I contemplate what to do. I already know I won't receive a slap, but just seeing her in that state makes me feel bad about waking her and interrupting her needed slumber.

So I just waste my precious time looking at her.

She looks heavenly.

 _And no ponytail today, oh yeah!_

How her half-hidden face looks amazingly cute, how the multiple strands of loose hair hide some parts of her face, while the rest just falls straight down her back, how the different parts of her body rise and fall slowly in accordance to her breathing-

 _The fuck I am thinking about?!_

I shake my head to end my perverted thoughts.

Sigh…

I did not ask her about her problem with sleep. To be honest, I was a little afraid of how she would react, and there were also times when I thought I was being too damn paranoid.

So I decided against asking.

But somehow… I can't shake my discomfort off.

Suddenly, she starts to wake up. Slowly, she lifts her head up and lets out a small yawn, rubbing her eyes and blinking a few times before noticing me.

''..Eh?!''

''Sup,'' I say nonchalantly, looking at her with my usual bored face, a lone strand of my hair covering part of my left eye.

She sighs.

''Hey,'' she replies after some seconds, taking her time to stand up and gather her things.

While she does her thing, I just stand there, watching her finish.

 _Is it right to feel concerned for her? I don't know if I should care that much about it since I really didn't have a chance to worry about someone since I was always alone._

 _But wait, does that mean I should worry more about her now? I mean, yes, I meet her almost every day, but should I? Is that right…?_

''Hikigaya, snap out of it.''

Oh, I was out again.

I take a look at what she's wearing today.

She's wearing her oversized gray jacket again, while a set of white pants cover her legs.

 _Don't blame her. The weather is still as bad as ever._

''Sorry. Let's go.''

She follows me as we head outside the building, as our short day of class is finally over. Exiting the entrance, I head to the vending machine to get my usual coffee.

After paying, the sound of metal against metal fills my ears, as I proceed to take my drink.

Taking a sip, I can notice that Saki is looking at my drink.

''You should get one. Maybe it can help you with your never-ending fatigue.''

She looks at me with a cute, blushing face, and then she looks away stubbornly.

''No, thanks. I don't think that will do any good on me.''

''Oi, you have a problem with MAX Coffee?'' I say defensively.

She looks at me with an incredulous look.

''No. Suit yourself.''

''That's what I thought,'' I say proudly, earning a sigh from her part.

We walk side by side with no particular destination in mind, as I am just concentrated in my drink.

''Say, what do you do on Saturdays after we end our classes?'' She asks, glancing at me.

Finishing my drink already, I toss the can in the nearest trash can and put my hands inside my pockets.

''Nothing, I just go home and sleep.''

She chuckles sarcastically, ''Of course you do. I mean what would I expect from the great Hachiman Hikigaya?'' She says, smiling softly.

I can't help but smile too.

I dislike going out. I'm not the kind of person who feels the tremendous necessity of getting out of my house on free nights. The few times I do are when I feel more melancholic than usual. I would usually go to the bar and drink away all my troubles, saving some of my awareness so I can at least manage to get home.

After that time I woke up on a random park bench without any memories from the previous night, I was more careful.

''I go out very few times,'' I say.

''Hmm? Where?'' she says, raising an eyebrow.

''Bars.''

She looks at me with a bored look.

''Are you serious? Do you get drunk?''

''As I said, it's a thing I do very little, more or less once or twice every couple of months, and it depends. I can get drunk but most of the times I have enough sanity left to get home.''

''You said it yourself, 'most of the times'. That means there was at least one time you didn't get home,'' she says with a mocking tone.

''I don't want to talk about that…''

She laughs, ''Oh, that's rich. I just imagine you waking up in a random bed with a naked girl you don't know beside you,'' she finishes, keeping her smile.

 _This girl has a naughty mind. Interesting._

 _Maybe I should play with her a little bit?_

''Yes. And with still did it again the rest of the day, _Very_ hard. She screamed again and again how _good_ I was. We didn't meet again thought; she didn't talk to me again. I wonder if maybe I made her a little too hard, or if she was just embarrassed about how loud her screams were,'' I finish, laughing my ass off internally and giving her the most creepy, perverted look I can thinl of.

I wait for her reaction.

She stops in her tracks, in the middle of the sidewalk. First, her face is a mix of utter confusion, as if her mind is still processing what I just said. Then, slowly, her eyes widen considerably and an immense blush makes its way onto her face. I could almost picture the steam coming out from her ears.

''Eh… uh… um…''

 _Oh god, this is rich._

Satisfied with myself, I decide to put her out of her poor misery and prepare myself for a bit of physical abuse.

''Relax, I was joking. I just woke up in a park bench that one morning. I had been more careful since.''

Fortunately, she doesn't destroy my face.

''I-idiot…,'' she says, her blush slowly disappearing and a small smile forming on her face.

''Yeah, I know. Thanks.''

We continue walking in silence after our little episode, that is until she talks again a few moments later.

''Hey, do you mind if I keep you company the rest of the day?'' she asks shyly, looking at another direction.

''Not really, I don't have anything else to do.''

She looks a bit happier after my acceptance, ''Great. Let's drop by the market to buy supplies. I'll cook.''

''Fine,'' I say, relieved. I was planning on eating some leftover food from yesterday, so the idea of eating her food makes me look forward to it.

After buying the necessary things, we arrive at my home. Saki gets to work in the kitchen almost immediately, while I head to my room to change into more comfortable clothes.

Soon enough, the delicious aroma of cooking food makes its way to my room.

 _I could eat like this the rest of my life._

Sometime later, we find ourselves at the small kitchen table, our food ready.

 _Salmon rice. Interesting._

Taking a bite, I resist the urge to cry.

Komachi, I think I finally found your rival.

''How is it?'' She asks suddenly, stopping my thoughts.

''Damn good. I could pay you to cook for me every day. How did you learn?''

She pauses her eating, smiling at me softly.

''I already knew how to prepare some simple recipes back then, but after getting into university, I started doing it as a hobby. I enjoy it quite a lot.''

''I see. What other things do you like?''

''Besides cooking, not much at all. I really don't have any friends, just mere acquaintances. I just go out by myself every once in a while. I usually go to the theater and watch the latest popular blockbuster just to do something. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, might I add.''

I find it strange how a girl so beautiful like her doesn't have any friends. Even a boyfriend. She has all the resources and abilities to have so. But I guess sometimes that's just things are.

 _So many assholes having the perfect life, the perfect girl or boy… the perfect place in social circle… and here we are._

''Our lives are just too simple, aren't they,'' I say softly, mostly to myself rather than her.

''Isn't simple better?'' She answers, ''But yeah, I get your point. Sometimes I wish for more exciting things to happen. But it's not like I'm dying for it, you know.''

''Yeah,'' I tell her, and we fall into silence again.

We spend the next minutes just enjoying our food.

The distant sound of thunder makes its way to the apartment, along with the soft sound of raindrops hitting the pavement outside.

 _There it goes again._

We wash the dishes together in a comfortable silence after she refused to let me do it by myself.

 _Never in my life had I imagined I would fall in a routine like this._

Humans are an interesting species. We always live in a monotony that creates itself the moment we are born and changes again and again as we grow up. We come to accept and convince ourselves that there is just no way that is going to change, so when that change comes, we freak out completely. It depends on us what to do after that: accept it and embrace the change or do everything you can do go back to the old routine.

The old me would not take any of this shit. I would have certainly done something that would have resulted in Saki hating me and not talking to me again. I would suffer in silence as always but at the same time, I would be a little relieved that my old lifestyle was back again. I would have done the same circle again with anyone who wanted to stay friends with me.

But surprise.

You are an idiot is you expect a person to remain exactly the same over the course of the years. Sure, their overall personality and some of their traits would probably remain unchanged, but there also aspects like the way of analyzing things and emotions that will undoubtedly change according to someone's experiences. And damn it if I'm wrong, those experience are a determining factor.

And the truth is, I don't mind about Saki being in my life. I'm not interested in doing some retarded shit to get her out of my life.

Because, even if my life is just a sad joke right know, her company is one of the only things I enjoy.

I want to know her better.

I heard the sound of a throat being cleared.

 _Oh._

I notice that, somehow, I finished my dishes without actually being aware of it, and that Saki was looking at me with a raised eyebrow and her arms crossed.

''Seriously, sometimes I wish I could see through that mind of yours.''

''Trust me, you don't want to know.''

After our little exchange, I think about what to do. The rain pours outside with ferocity.

As if reading me, she asks, ''So, what do we do now?''

I have a pair of movies collecting dust in my room…

''Want to watch some movies? I have some I haven't seen yet,'' I said slowly and unsure.

She gives me a tender look and a soft smile.

''Sure, I don't see why not. That sounds just about perfect right now,'' she says softly.

I give her a small smile back.

I guide her to my bedroom since that where the TV is. She doesn't seem to mind.

One would believe that bringing a girl to your room can be one of the most exciting and embarrassing things at the same time, but for some reason, I don't mind any of it. I actually feel really comfortable around her, and I'm confident she feels the same.

I guess we are just too mature and different to live a romantic comedy scenario.

We lie down side by side on my bed and spend the rest of the afternoon watching random movies. Some where exciting and full of action, and I could see Saki's eyes light up considerably with excitement and expectation, while some other were just plain boring and uneventful, with horrible plots and characterization to top it off. I dozed off for a short time more than once.

We pause briefly to eat dinner, which consists of leftovers from lunch. I don't care since her cooking is simply top-notch.

Before we both know it, the sun is long gone, replaced by a stormy night.

The next movie was okay, to say the least. It was a romantic one, and while I questioned myself when the actual hell I got that movie, it was not that bad to see. The plot was decent at least, and there were a few heart-warming moments. Not that it really excited me, but Saki was a really different story.

She was completely into the movie. She loved every second of it.

''A fan of romance, huh?'' I say to her with a sly smile.

''S-shut up. I'm still a girl, ya know,'' she says embarrassed, looking away with a slight blush.

''I see. It wasn't that bad actually. I liked it too,'' I say, laying back on the bed, arms behind my head.

She doesn't respond immediately. She is now lying on her side, her back to me. Her lack of immediate response makes me believe that she is deep in thought.

''Say Hikigaya,'' she begins softly.

''Hmm.''

''Do you believe in love? Do you think… it's real? I mean, of course, it is but… do you think that a relationship where both ends are truly happy can really last? No lies, no boundaries. Do you believe that love can really happen like it is portrayed in movies?''

I stare at the ceiling with a neutral look.

''That's a complicated question, Saki.''

''I know… It's just me fantasying. Nevermi-''

''But it's a good question.''

Before she can retort, I continue.

''I truly don't have any experience to tell you since I have never been in a relationship, but from what I see, love can truly be the best thing to happen in your life or a pain in the ass at the same time. It really depends on how people adapt to it and how their experiences are. Sadly, love it's nowhere as perfect as it is portrayed in movies. There are people who take advantage of that feeling to hurt others, get something from someone of just for the hell of it. There are people willing to blindly give their everything for that person, without really thinking about the future, some sort of crazy platonic love, only to be stabbed in the back again and again without mercy. And last, there are people who wish to find a companion in life. These are the ones who want a real relationship, who have truly genuine feelings for someone, who wish to start a family with that person, who wants to be there for that person. These ones are so few compared to the majority that they spend most of their love life being used, cheated or heartbroken. What most of them fail to notice is that there are more people just like them, who want that real feeling, but they just so far in between. So, in the end, I think that kind of love can happen, but the person will have to experience its fair share of suffering to obtain it.''

I can hear her sigh softly, and then she turns to me, giving me a tender look.

''I guess so,'' she says, ''I like the way you talk, you're quite the intellectual when you want to be'', she finished with a smile.

I blush slightly, ''Hmm.''

We spend the next moments in silence, just listening to the storm.

 _I don't think she can make it to her home…_

''The rain won't stop for now. Stay here.''

''Yeah, I guess I have no choice.''

I get up from my bed and go to the closet in order to find her the change of pajamas she used last time.

''Here,'' I say while giving her the clothes.

I head to my bathroom to wash my teeth while she changes.

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The storm is raging with all its might outside, the sound of strong thunder shaking my little apartment with ease.

I sigh.

I'm not particularly scared of storms, but the thunder is just so strong that it makes it almost impossible for me to sleep properly.

So that leaves me staring at my ceiling with an irritated look on my face.

Cursing to myself, I groggily wake up from my bed and head to the kitchen to fix myself a glass of water.

Drinking from the glass, I suddenly hear a sound coming from the living room.

 _A whimper…?_

Slowly, I make my way there.

She hasn't noticed me yet, as I am looking at her from the other side of the room, next to the hallway.

Her eyes are closed but she's clearly awake. She's shivering a little, and flinches every few seconds when a thunder strikes in.

I put the glass on the counter, and walk to the couch slowly.

''Sak-''

''Ah!'' She screams suddenly, and with her sudden movement, ends up falling from the couch into the floor, head first.

''Ow…,'' she rubs her head in an attempt to minimize the pain.

''Sorry.''

''It's fine.''

She gets up from the floor, untangling from the blankets, and sits from the couch.

''Scared of thunder?''

She sighs.

''Shut up.''

''Don't blame you. This storm is damn strong.''

''It is.''

Seeing as a good opportunity, I decide to confront her.

''Saki. I understand that you can't sleep tonight because of the thunder; I can't either. But I have seen you for the last week, sleeping all the time.''

She looks down to the floor, her hands in her lap. She's hesitant at first, but talks eventually.

''I have trouble with sleep. I won't say I have insomnia, I have not looked up into it, but there are nights, when I just can't. I get three to four and a half hours at best,'' she says softly.

 _So that's what it is…_

''Take your blanket.''

''What?''

''You heard me.''

After taking my glass back, I head to the bedroom, with Saki trailing behind me.

I lie down, and look at her after a few moments.

She's standing beside the bed, unmoving, looking down at me.

''Are you really okay with it?''

''I would have left you in the living room if I wasn't.''

''Crude as always,'' she says with a soft smile, laying down.

Another thunder rumbles through the apartment, making her flinch visibly.

I sigh.

''Turn around.''

''What?''

''Just… do it.''

She does reluctantly.

I move a bit and position myself behind her, her scent starting to get more apparent to me, her loose hair starting to touch my face. Embarrassingly, I wrap my left arm around her body, and my right one below her, embracing her completely from behind. Lastly, I wrap the blanket around us, and bury my face in her hair completely.

 _Why am I doing this? I don't fucking know._

 _I just want to._

''Hi-Hikigaya!'' She stutters.

''Shh... Let's sleep.''

She calms down eventually, relaxing completely.

Then, she wraps her fingers around my left hand, bringing both hands to her chest, sighing softly.

 _I don't know if we should be doing this or not, not that I really care. It just feels… right. Somehow… it makes me feel complete._

 _And I'm starting to get addicted to it._

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 **YOOOOOOOOOOOO**

 **I'm back bitches. Sigh. I fucking hate school. Thank god I'm finally graduating.**

 **Thanks to The Wizard Rider for revising the story :)**


	7. Comeback?

Warm.

That's the first sensation that makes its way up to my senses as they come back to life.

Weird.

I cannot hear the sound of falling rain anymore, but I am certain there's no way in hell the weather will change that drastically from the night to the morning.

And last time I checked, my apartment was cold as hell…

I try to move, but no avail.

Oh, right.

Opening my eyes, my vision is met with darkness.

That smells nice…

Oi, what.

Lifting my head a bit to get out from the mass of hair, I look at the position we're in.

And there she is, this damn girl, the main cause of many of my headaches this past month. Completely asleep, her back pressed up against my chest, strays of her hair covering her eyes, and her hand holding mine firmly.

Her chest rises and falls slowly, the soft sound of her breath echoing in the quiet room.

So beautiful… yet terrifying.

This feels so unreal. To think things have gone this way…

What did I do to end in a predicament like this?

She doesn't seem to mind though. And that confuses me.

That's not how nice girls act. Nice girls act dumbly, but in the end, they are very intelligent. They build up a false facade in order to make the dumb males fall into their trap. They can act clumsily, but in the end, all they are looking for is for an advantage in their favor. And then, they strike.

I fell for that trap. More than once. I actually think a good part of my interactions back in high school fell into that category. I didn't do something about it though.

But there's something I am certain of, and that is, I won't fall into that trap again.

But I am unable to think of Saki following that strategy. Nice girl or not. I always believed that any girl would be disgusted at the sole thought of being anywhere near me, much less sleeping in the same bed as me.

My self-deprecating thoughts get interrupted by the sound of the doorbell, followed by a series of knocks coming from the front door.

I see… so that's what woke me up in the first place.

Strange she didn't wake up as well.

It's Sunday, and I never have visitors. Hell, besides my sister, who would be actually visiting me?

Clumsily, I slowly untangle myself from the sleeping girl, as quietly as possible, not wanting to disturb her slumber.

Groaning irritably, I head to the front door opening it without hesitation, ready to snap at anyone who dared to bother me on a Sunday morning.

''Oi, what do you w-''

…Of course.

''Onii-chan! That's not how you welcome your little sister!''

God help me.

''Yo, Komachi.''

She pouts, hands on her lips as if waiting for me to apologize.

Seeing my lack of response, she sighs softly.

''Cold as always, onii-chan.''

''You know me too well. Come inside.''

She enters, making herself at home. After taking her coat off, she yawns softly, looking at me.

''Oi, you know I don't really mind you being here, but why didn't you tell me you were coming? And why so early, on a Sunday morning?''

''I told you. Did you even read my text?''

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

But I have an excuse.

''That was a month ago.''

''Hehehe… I guess now is when I got some free time.''

I don't really have the right to blame her. She has been very occupied recently since this is her first year at university.

''Besides, why do you care?''

Oh, she got me. I already told her I didn't mind her being here. Even if she came so early in the morning, she was always welcome.

''Hoh…?''

Well…shit.

That look. I know that look. That accusing smile she gives me when she knows I'm hiding something.

''Onii-chan… are you perhaps-''

As if on cue, the sound of a throat being cleared interrupts our conversation.

Saki stands there, in her sleepy glory, leaning against the frame between the hallway and the living room entrance, arms crossed, hair completely straight down her back, looking at us expectantly with a raised eyebrow.

The way she leans against the wall makes some parts of her body stand out pretty well.

I'm dead meat. How the hell am I supposed to explain this?!

Komachi just stands there, her jaw almost hitting the floor, looking as if she has just seen an alien.

Fear comes in two variations. There's the most common one; the one we get to feel most frequently. Fear of heights, fear of cockroaches, or not passing a test, fear of being alone.

And then, there's my favorite one.

And that's the kind of fear that hits deep inside, telling you only one thing:

Get your sorry ass out of here and run for your life.

But my poor feet won't move. I know I can't escape from her anyway.

At last, Saki relaxes, and smiles warmly at my sister, much to my surprise.

''Hello,'' she says, ''Sorry for the heart attack.''

Her mocking tone makes me wonder if she's sorry or not.

''It's nice seeing Hikigaya's sister again,'' she adds.

After some moments of tension, Komachi sighs, and…smiles.

''Yes, I am this deadbeat's sister,'' she says with fake disappointment.

Oi!

And then, just like that, they smile at each other. All the tension and surprise is just gone as fast as it appeared.

I won't even bother.

''So, are you two okay now?'' I ask with slight disinterest.

''Yes, we're fine; don't act so bubbled up."

''I am not. Don't bother me.''

They just stare at me with bored faces for a few moments before starting to talk with each other, heading to the living room sofa, completely ignoring my presence.

My stealth mode works by itself.

Deciding to not bother any further, I head to the bathroom to wash my teeth and splash some water on my face. I notice Saki's wet toothbrush, meaning she already made her routine.

Then, I go into my room in order to work with some assignments on my laptop due on Monday, leaving the two girls to talk about… girl things.

Fast forward an hour later, and you find me lying on my bed, legs crossed, working peacefully on my laptop, about to finish the last of the assignments.

I could hear some distant soft laughs from time to time coming from the living room, so at least I could tell they were having a good time.

But knowing my sister, she must be having some pending questions, that including what was Saki doing at my apartment, in pajamas, on a Sunday morning.

I pause for a moment, taking a breath and letting my hands rest for a bit.

What are those two doing right now? It sure looks like they got pretty entertained.

It's has been just a few weeks since Saki and I first met after all these years. Barely over a month. Yet, we act like we have known each other our whole life. Whatever is out of pity, necessity or just plain desire to be under each other's care is hard to determine.

I recall one of the many times Hiratsuka-sensei gave me advice back then. Oh, Hiratsuka-sensei. Probably the only person who really tried to understand me back then.

''We, as humans, always need a reason to exist. It's what keeps us going after all. We need someone else to take care of us, while we take care of them at the same time. We need to be corrected, to be yelled at when we do something terribly wrong, to be comforted when we feel there's just no way out. I think I am the best example of what happens when we don't have that someone. That's why… Hikigaya… if you ever have the luck I never had… if you ever find anyone capable of taking care of you… you need to treasure that person with all your might.''

I chuckle softly to myself.

I'm glad you finally found happiness sensei. Better late than never.

I sigh softly.

After a few seconds, I realize someone's presence on my peripheral vision.

Saki stands there, arms crossed, leaning against the side of the doorway, pretty much the same way she did this morning.

A soft expression adorns her features, her eyes reflecting a serene look, along with a beautiful smile.

Luck… huh.

''Lost in your own thoughts again?''

''You got me,'' I replay lowly, glancing briefly at my laptop, ''Where's my sister?''

''She's fixing us something to eat. I came to get you, however, you look pretty comfortable there.''

''Just getting some assignments done,'' I reply, closing all the programs on the computer and putting it to sleep, ''Got carried away for a little while.''

She walks slowly towards me, hesitating, giving me a worried look. I sit on the edge of the bed, ready to stand up as she arrives at the bedside, but she motions me to stay in place. After doing as she wishes, she then puts her hands on my head and starts petting me softly.

I sigh, deciding to let her do as she wants.

It feels kinda nice though…

''What were you thinking about?'' she says, looking down at me worriedly, not stopping.

What should I say to her? There's no way…

''Saki... what exactly are we?'', I ask, looking numbly ahead, realizing what I had said too late.

Her pause makes me feel anxious for a second. But then, she relaxes, resuming her work at my head.

''Does that really matter?''

''I…do not really care about it that much. But I know my sister is just saving her questions for later. When you look at it, she found me with a girl at my apartment wearing my pajamas on a Sunday morning.''

She chuckles, ''Just tell her we're friends with benefits,'' she adds jokingly, finishing with my head and putting her hands on her hips, smiling.

The look of pure mortification all over my face must have done an effect on her because she then starts laughing softly.

''Don't worry about that, you'll come with something. Besides, it's not like we have anything to hide from her.''

She has a point. It's Komachi anyway. Whatever I do or whatever decision I make about my life, she will always be happy and proud of me.

''Come on,'' she says, finally letting go of my head, ''Let's go now, or she will have more questions.''

''Fine,'' I reply.

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''So, are you two like a thing?''

I choke slightly in my own slice of ramen she made for us, and proceed to look discreetly at Saki.

She seems at a loss for words, and just plays with the utensils on her plate, before looking at me.

The looks she gives me doesn't really help in this situation.

Hey, she's your sister. You talk.

Looking at Komachi seriously, or at least trying to, I tell her, ''We're just friends.''

''Oh, really? I see. You two must be very close. I mean, I could see she slept here and all.''

''I had a lot of work due Monday and she came here to help me. We finished late, so I allowed her to sleep here.''

My sister makes this ''I don't believe a shit about what you're saying'' look, but, surprisingly, doesn't question me any further.

''Ahhh, that's so cute! The old oni-chan would prefer to walk the girl home instead of letting her stay at his place. You really have changed.''

''Yeah, yeah.'' I wave nonchalantly, as I don't wish to go further into the matter, increasing her suspicions much higher than they actually are.

Komachi looks unconvinced, but, to my own gratefulness, she drops the conversation for the moment, setting just for finishing her plate.

Saki has also decided to continue with her food too, giving me a dismissing look as she does, so I do just the same.

A few minutes later, after we have already finished our dishes and cleaned up, both Saki and I are taken off guard with a sudden question as we head to the living room.

''Well, how about we go out somewhere for the rest of the day?''

''Huh?'' I say almost instantly, slightly annoyed that I'll be probably forced to get out of my comfy apartment.

On a damn Sunday, no less!

''Oh, come on, oni-chan! We have not gone out together in like, forever!'' exclaims my sister, a slightly pleading look on her face.

But, as much as I love my little sibling, I'm not giving up so easily.

''I'm not up for it. Besides, why do you want to go out so suddenly?

As Komachi is about to retort, she gets beaten to it by Kawasaki.

''I…''

We both listen to her expectantly, eager about what she has to say about this.

The sudden attention she receives makes her stutter for a bit, playing with her fingers and looking at the floor.

''I won't mind if w-e go out and hang out at the mall for some time. It can't be that bad,'' she pauses, taking her time to look at me with a disapproving look, ''Don't be such an ass, Hikigaya.''

Oi, I don't deserve to be treated like this! And you side with her, too?! Wait, do you even like going to public places?!

My silent turmoil must have made me look like a retarded person, since my sister and Saki both look at me with raised eyebrows, the latter probably laughing mentally at me.

I sigh lowly, knowing I don't really have a say in the matter anymore unless I want to deal with an angry Komachi and an annoying Kawasaki.

''Fine. Let's go.''

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I never liked shopping malls.

I don't know. Something about being in such big and crowded place full with a bunch of people mindlessly wasting their salary into things they probably won't need and clothes they'll only use one time for a fancy concert and then put them in the far corner of the closet for the rest of eternity.

All of this just to satiate their need for following the trend of consumerism.

It's funny actually. I can count the clothing combinations I own with the fingers of my both hands. Heck, the khaki set of pants along with the red long-sleeve jacket I'm wearing right now is one of my nicest ones.

Proud Hachiman. Always simple.

But worse than having to silently watch all of this, is having to seat on a random surprisingly comfy sofa, arms crossed, at one of the dozen stores we have already visited, a strong desire to fall asleep slowing consuming me while Komachi eagerly wanders around the aisles, firmly clutching Saki's hand, to find the next set of dresses to try on.

Although slightly nervous, she seems… to be enjoying herself.

She doesn't complain a bit about my sister's excitement, and I could see the small trace of a smile adorning her face.

I could find myself enjoying the view for a second.

When Komachi finds a new dress she likes for both of them, they select their respective sizes and immediately go back to the changing room.

The few giggles emanating occasionally are enough for me to tell they are enjoying their time.

Good for them…

Smack.

'Wha…?'' I groan slightly, my dreams disrupted.

''Wake up. We leave you on your own for a few minutes and you pass out like a lazy bear in hibernation.''

''You left for an hour and a half,'' I reply to Saki, rubbing my sore eyes.

''Whatever,'' she says dismissively, disinterest apparent on her voice.

Don't go twitching on me, left eye. Don't you dare.

''…Are you both done already?''

''Dunno. Your sister is trying something else. I just really liked this one and wanted you to… take a look at it,'' she says, being shy while finishing her words.

I actually focus on her appearance for the first time since she woke me up, glancing at her in detail.

It was a simple, yet beautiful, long gown-type black dress, with a few flower-like designs going down her legs.

''…H-ow is it?''

''It's beautiful. I have nothing else to say.''

Did I just say that?

Crap. How the fuck did I end up saying that?!

The slight blush evident on her face effectively confirms my fears.

''Thank you,'' she says softly, turning around almost immediately, and jogging back to the changing room.

The rest of the afternoon passes without much inconvenience, with Saki coming back to me a few times to judge her appearance, with some of the awkward tension still remaining between us.

We set on having some dinner at the food section of the mall, and the atmosphere gets a lot better. Saki and Komachi are enjoying their girl time together (with me on their heels, of course) and one has to be an idiot to not notice the new friendship building up between the two.

It surprises me, to say the least. She looks genuinely happy...the pure smile and satisfaction present on her features makes me feel glad for her.

After that, we start heading back, and Komachi separates from us to get to the train station, not before saving Kawasaki's number first.

As we near my apartment, she breaks our comfortable silence.

''I… enjoyed this day lot. I would like to see her again very soon,'' she mumbles quietly, glancing at me.

''That's Komachi for you. I am glad.''

''I enjoyed your presence, too,'' she finishes, glancing at me with her signature tender look.

''Well, that's a first. Someone actually enjoyed going out with me.''

''Don't ruin it.''

''Yeah, yeah.''

We arrive at my apartment to get her things, and I decide to accompany Saki to her home.

While we talk, we talk about mostly menial things, just enjoyed our little time.

That includes her mocking me about my monologues of course.

As she's about to get inside, I make a resolution.

''Saki.''

''Hmm?'' she replies curiously, turning around.

''Let's go out sometime. A proper… date, you can call it. Just us.''

I am bloody nervous, of course, I can't help but look at the floor in shameful disgrace.

That's until her soft hand grabs my chin, lifting my face.

Her tender voice is all I want to hear at this exact moment.

''I would love to,'' she says, releasing my chin and giving me her most genuine smile.

We finally separate when she gets inside her home, not without her saying goodbye to me.

And kissing my cheek again, for four solid seconds.

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 **…Hello. Yes, you can hate me if you want to.**

 **Things have gone increasingly better these past weeks. I still have a lot to go, but I'm heading in the right direction.**

 **Not a lot to say really, just that I am NOT abandoning this story. I won't promise anymore when the next chapter will be out since I don't want to disappoint anyone again with that. I'm also in college now and got a lot of work to do. That and I am also doing some things to improve my life.**

 **That's all. Until next time.**


	8. Beginning

**_Well, hello there._**

 ** _…Please don't kill me._**

 ** _Yup, I'm not dead. I have read every comment, and feel I should address some things._**

 ** _It seems a part of the fandom doesn't like the story, and I respect that. One can never please everyone. However, some of the things that have been said are things that I have already clarified._**

 ** _Firstly, when I started the story and made the revision, I made it clear that this was an angst story. Characters were not going to be 100% canon, and I was going to do my best to keep them as real as possible. This is not going to change._**

 ** _Secondly, I have been told that Hachiman and Saki do not act as real adults. And I disagree. First, they both are both young adults in this story. They are 20 years old. They are not even full-blown adults yet, from an emotional standpoint. They have gone through a lot of emotions, and their lives are kind of a mess right now (If it isn't obvious enough) and they have a lot to think about and a lot of things to fix. So, please, do not expect them to act as if they don't have any sort of feelings. Every single person acts differently, its psychology._**

 ** _I'm sorry if I'm being a bit rough, I accept all sorts of constructive criticism, but I just thought that I had made everything I listed above clear enough, trough the rating, the summary, the genres, and the constant comments I have made myself through the story._**

 **EDIT: One last thing. if you find a grammar mistake or any word that doesn't seem to fit with the context of the story, PLEASE TELL ME. This is the first story I have ever decided to write, and English is not my native language (I speak Spanish) and I'm doing my absolute best to write it as good as I can, proof-reading at least twice and also receiving help from The Wizard Rider. So, please, please be specific on what sections of the chapter you believe could have been done better, and I will thank you immensely.**

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We live in a world full of misconceptions.

Everything we see, everything we do, or everything we believe and stand for. It can be easily misunderstood by the rest of society and turned against us.

You have to be on constant alert. You cannot make a mistake. It's just as if you're standing in a podium in front of thousands of people. Your speech is meticulously planned up to the last letter. You stand proud and ready to impress the crowd. And you know that one simple mistake bad enough to make you freeze where you stand is enough to set up your doom.

Make that mistake, and you're done.

Real life is exactly like that.

You stand proud and ready, up in the mood to impress the people around you, to make them like you, and to find your place in the group. You start fresh and nice, one step at a time. At first, it seems easy.

Too easy.

Things go smoothly, or so it seems.

But then, obstacles start to come, one by one. Some you can overcome easily, others need some work. All of these, in one way or another, leave a small trail on you.

They don't stop coming, and that trail becomes more evident as the time goes one. And then it becomes a full-blown scar.

And then you're doomed. You didn't fight hard enough. The mark is there and will stay there for a long time.

You didn't make it. You tried. You did your hardest, but not hard enough. You were put again with a new group of people. You were happy at first, even hopeful. You had that feeling. The feeling that maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time.

But life can be a pain in the ass for those unfortunate enough.

Your effort becomes meaningless, useless as time goes on. You make the same mistakes again. You get in conflict with yourself. You start feeling uncomfortable. People start to question you. You start to question yourself.

What the hell am I doing here?

 _Is this what I want?_

 _I don't belong here._

 _You're not part of any of this. Stop acting like you are._

 _I'm trying. Is it still not hard enough?_

 _It's not enough. It's never enough._

Your expectations were so good and big that you thought you were invincible. And you set yourself into the fire without a care in the world.

And that's it.

You're doomed. You're out before you even realize it. You are seen as a weird, a misfit. They thought you were like them but when they saw right through you, your existence became almost non-existent. You're not part of the group anymore. You see them almost every day; maybe exchange a few cordial greetings. But that won't change everything. The clique is formed, and you're simply not a part of it.

You made them doubt. And you paid the price.

And you will pay the same price over and over, as the same vicious circle repeats itself again.

Unless you give up.

And that's why gave up a long time ago.

Is that always the right thing to do? I don't really know.

Maybe it is okay to give up in some scenarios. Giving up is always associated with cowardice, and you get the worst consequences of it.

But what if you have tried countless times with all your might and failed? What if it's just not your thing? Do you really have to force yourself into something you are not good at, even if you tried to get better, and fail repeatedly for the rest of your life? Are you obliged to continuously hurt yourself more and more as the time passes and your emotional health deteriorates? Do you deserve to endure that pain and anxiousness?

 _Maybe._

But I was sick of it. And that's why I stopped.

Was that the right to do?

I think it was.

I didn't want to form a part of anything anymore. I didn't want friends. I just wanted to be by myself. And maybe that could have helped me to finally be okay with myself.

I could find peace and quiet. I could be a decent writer. I could earn my money for a living, and get a nice house and maybe a nice car, too. I could write a book or two and do some articles on the internet as a pastime.

I would not have to be constantly enduring the pain and the insults of the rest.

Maybe, just maybe, I could finally find some genuine happiness by myself. For once.

Everything would be just fine.

I just had the painful feeling that it was the only way I could live my life.

The years that passed until I met Kawasaki again were uneventful. With only Komachi and maybe Iroha every few months to talk with, it certainly looked as if my life was finally taking the direction I intended to.

But even if I was indeed alone, nothing else changed. In fact, I can safely say things got worse.

You see, being accustomed to living every day and every aspect of your life almost devoid of any interaction, it's not as good as I thought.

Yeah, I may have found some peace and quiet as you can call it, but that did not last.

Having no one else to talk to, my thoughts became my only friends and my sole companions in the vast abyss I was stuck in.

And everything went downhill.

I should have asked Komachi for some advice. She always was a good listener. But seeing my amazing sister entering the adult world so happy and excited made me feel like an idiot. How bad of a brother would I have to be to ruin that?

I started to seriously hate every aspect of my life. More than I ever did. Yes, I already hated everything that had to do with society back then, but this was just at another level. Some days were worse than others. One morning I could manage, but the next one while I looked at myself in the mirror, I just wanted to smash it into a million pieces. It became bad to the point that I started to have pure rage and anxiety episodes from time to time. I had become miserable and I knew it all along. I just thought that was what I was destined to be.

So, why did I open myself up to Kawasaki so easily? How did every wall that build itself around me got leveled that fast?

These are questions I have been asking myself for a while now. It's been two and a half months since that day. And Kawasaki and I have been pretty good friends since.

Heh.

That deserves a chuckle. We act nothing like normal friends who just met. Well, we already knew each other from high school, but still.

 _''Does it really matter?''_

Her words from before resonate in my head. In fact, she's right. What happened between us is what it is. That's how things unfolded, and we should not spend more time than necessary worrying about it.

What I know is that I am grateful for everything that happened. And think she is too.

So…yeah. We are really a strange pair. We're not normal friends but we are not officially dating either, at least not yet. But hey, it's not like we were even normal in the first place.

I'm still confused about what I really feel about her. Am I feeling like this because we are pitiful at each other and our lives? Could it be that I'm confusing these feelings with our desire to help each other? I certainly don't know. But maybe tonight will help me a bit.

We agreed to meet up after she left her work. I was somewhat dreadful of actually asking her to go out, but I finally grew the balls to do it. It's Friday, so we don't really have to worry a lot aside from the sole class I have tomorrow morning.

We just planned to walk around the city for a while and then set up at any decent looking bar we could find.

I sigh. I honestly think I could have come up with a greater idea, but at least she seemed to not have any problem with it.

I hope this goes alright.

Let's be frank. I'm pessimistic. And that doesn't help me at the moment.

I'm currently heading to the library to pick her up.

You have to remain calm, Hachiman, it will be okay. Besides, it's not like you two haven't seen each other enough already.

I arrive at her workplace a few minutes early, so I sit on a nearby bench outside while I wait for her.

I guess this will be a pretty interesting night.

It's Kawasaki. You don't have to worry that much right? You can just be yourself around her.

Man up.

A slightly moderate rush of cold air envelopes the area. I rub my hands around myself and breathe heavily into my scarf in order to ease some of the cold.

 _It sure is chilly tonight…_

I look around and spot a coffee vending machine standing next to a wall not that far away from me. I head over there silently, putting my hands into my pockets. My breath makes itself visible every time I exhale.

As much as I want my wonderful MAX Coffee, I pass. A nice warm drink would do me wonders right now.

Hmm. I guess I'll get her one as well.

I end up purchasing two cappuccinos for the two of us.

Yeah… that will do. I head back to the place I was sitting just in time to see Saki exiting her workplace, a soft smile adorning her face.

I would be smiling too if I got out of work on a Friday evening.

Choosing to meet up directly; I clear my throat so she can hear me approaching.

Turning herself around; she catches sight of me, and her expression softens up, even more so as soon as her she rests her eyes on the warm drinks.

Inevitably, my heart also softens up a bit at her reaction.

She wears a long gray coat that covers a good part of her body, along with a pair of black boots and an equally colored scarf. I assume she's wearing something else below as I do not believe she would wear all of that while working inside.

 _And goddamn her hair is loose, hell yes._

Her outfit resembles mine a bit, as I choose a pair of black pants along with a gray coat that ends at my waist, and a black colored scarf.

''Hey,'' she says quietly, her small smile getting a little more evident.

I respond quietly by raising my right hand and offering her cappuccino to her, while silently taking a sip of mine at the same time.

''At least say something, dimwit,'' she says with a mocking tone, albeit her smile never leaves her face while taking the vase from me.

''Sorry for not wanting to waste a second of this precious warm drink to immediately respond to you,'' I answer to her mockingly after pausing for a little bit, before continuing.

She closes her eyes and makes a face of satisfaction as the warm liquid engulfs her mouth and immediately makes her feel a little more refreshed.

''Oh, I really needed this,'' she says, full of satisfaction. ''Thank you.''

I nod as a response.

After our drinks are taken care of, we start walking with no apparent destination.

The cold weather really is making itself known.

''How was your day, Hikigaya?'' she says effectively starting the conversation, and making me feel a bit glad since I was worried I would not know how to start it.

''Just okay, I guess,'' I say. ''Boring lectures as always, although today's literature class was a bit interesting, to say the least,'' I concluded.

''That's odd. I mean, you finding something relating to class remotely interesting,'' she says, mocking me again.

Oh, it's on.

''Says the same girl who slept the whole duration of the class.''

''Oh, shut up,'' she says with a little laugh.

Now that I think about it… is she really that happy with her career choice? She told me she took journalism as a random option because she didn't know what she wanted to do. But has that changed ever since?

I must have been hard, really hard. Not being able to ask anyone for advice on what would you do for your future. I was somewhat clear on what I wanted to do since the start, but Saki? She wasn't. She was lost.

''Say, Saki…'' I start somewhat shyly, not really knowing if I should talk about this right now.

''Hmm?'' she answers, turning her head slightly towards me as we walk quietly.

''Do you enjoy what are you doing right now? Your career, I mean,'' I say, looking forward and silently admiring the night view of the city.

I can hear her sigh audibly, contemplating her answer.

Why did I ask that?

''You don't have t-''

''It's okay, Hikigaya. If there's someone I would answer this sincerely to, it's you, and one else.''

She stops walking, so I stop, too, turning around with a questioning glance. She looks up at the night sky briefly, closing her eyes for a bit and releasing another deep sigh after that. She looks at me briefly, before starting to walk again, with me keeping pace with her.

''When I started, I neither loved nor hated what I chose to do. I was just…doing it for the sake of it. But frankly, I have grown more interested in the past year. Slowly, yet making some progress. I'm still a bit uncertain, and I am not interested in getting honors or anything, but I do see myself doing journalism as a profession. I have to see what the future brings,'' she finishes.

The tone of resolution and acceptance evident in her voice amazes me. I can't help but let out a tiny smile.

''Hey, what's up with that s-mile? she says, a small blush appearing on her cheeks as she tries to look away before I can see them.

''That's a rare occurrence, you should enjoy it while you see it,'' I say. ''I'm just glad. Hell, I think I would go as far as saying that you're more interested in finishing your career than me.''

''Why do you think that? Don't you like your career?''

That's a complicated question. Even when Shizuka-sensei never liked my essays because of their ''degenerative and depressing'' content, she always complimented my writing. According to her, I was one of the best writers in the whole school. That's why I chose my current career at the university. But, honestly, even when I sort of liked writing, I was not that excited at all. Most of the classes I have taken except a few ones took topics I already knew, and the same monotony I had in high school came back again, even if it was a little more bearable.

''I enjoy it, and I enjoy writing, too. It's just that I'm not really looking that forward into the future. I'm a little interested in politics though, but I don't even know if I'll go forward on that part,'' I say, thoughtfully.

Saki chuckles softly.

''You, a politician? Do you wish for the demise of our country, Hikigaya? She says, laughing without remorse.

I scoff. ''Thanks, lady. And for your information. I think I would be a pretty decent politician.''

''That would be something really interesting to see if it happens at all,'' she says to me, her lips curled upwards into a tiny smile.

''Yeah, maybe.''

We fall into a comfortable silence, just walking around for some minutes.

We don't feel awkward, just at peace with each other's presence.

The sounds coming from various part of the city can be heard from the distance. The different cars, the occasional ambulance sounding in the distance, the late evening train approaching the station and other distant sounds characteristic from everyday's life.

I start taking a mental note of the few bars I have gone around the city for the past years, taking into account what one could be the closest one to go.

''Neh, Hikigaya.''

''Hm.''

''You… You haven't heard about Yukinoshita, haven't you? Or Yuigahama?''

Now that's a question that takes me completely by surprise. My reaction should have been quite noticeable since I can feel Saki tense for a bit and glance at me worriedly.

I should have known that this question was coming sooner or later.

But I wish it never came. What am I supposed to say? It's not like I am on good terms with them both. I have not talked to Yukinoshita since that day, and Yuigahama gave up on trying contacting me long ago.

''…No, I haven't seen or talked with Yukinoshita since graduation. I have only heard of her occasionally, she's in the media's eyes after all. Yuigahama was different, though. She insisted on contacting me for some time, but she eventually gave up. There has been no contact ever since.''

I can sense Saki's doubt expression as we continue walking.

''Do you still hate them?''

 _Do I hate them?_

 _Should I hate them?_

I have the right to be angry at them, especially at Yukinoshita. Why did I deserve to be kept out of everything? After we all trusted each other? Or at least that's what I believed. But it was more than clear that I wasn't trusted at all. But it's been more than two years. Do I really have to hate them passionately for the rest of my life?

''I know what you're thinking,'' Saki says quietly, briefly interrupting my thoughts. ''You want to hate them, don't you? You want to keep on hating them, to still be angry at them… but you're finding it hard to so, don't you?"

I frown for a bit but regain my composure as Saki holds my hand in a soft manner as if immediately sensing my discomfort.

''Hikigaya, I think you're forcing yourself to hate them. And I don't blame you for that, you know? I felt like that when Ebina left, when we all just took our separate ways. Everyone was just too shocked. I thought it was Yukinoshita's fault. The way everything unfolded… I was so mad at first. I had lost the only close friend I had back then. I could have tried to reach out to her, to talk with her, but I didn't. I felt terrible,'' she says with a melancholic tone. ''But as the time passed, it just…died out. I'm still a little sad about how things ended, but I just don't think about it as much as I did before.''

She can't be more right. Living in the past is the same as being dead. And that's how I was living all these years.

 _But then she came._

To have a person you can talk about anything with without fearing rejection, that can hold you when you just can't take it anymore, and knowing you will do the same without even considering it, it's just something I thought I wouldn't to be able to feel.

That's why I feel I should tell her everything. Directly, not sad feelings attached and not crying my eyes out like last time.

I sigh quietly. This won't be easy.

If we're really going to talk about this, a good drink might help.

''Let's settle down somewhere first, then we talk,'' I say as I motion her to follow me.

She complies and follows me quietly without any objection.

We arrive at probably the least annoying bar I have grown accustomed to in the past months, and I guide Saki to the furthest corner, with a small table when we can talk and drink in a comfortable manner.

A bartender notices us and makes his way towards us as soon as we seat.

''Well, hello there. What would this lovely pair of lovers order tonight?

We both look at the guy with incredulous faces as if we're just not in the mood to even care at all.

The poor guy appears to read us, and just proceeds to nervously hand us the menu.

''I want the strongest. You know which one is,'' I say, handling the menu to Saki.

''Oi, do you really want to get wasted that much? You understand you need to have some sense left to get home, right?'' Saki mumbles, a small tray of concern present in her voice, as she takes the menu from my hands.

''Don't worry. Besides, I have you. You can take of me, right?'' I say with a mocking grin.

''Sometimes you are just too creepy for your own good,'' she says, rolling her eyes. ''Fine, I'll take that one too,'' she finishes, giving the menu to the waiter, who heads back to prepare our drinks.

I chuckle.

''Seriously?''

She shrugs. ''Two can play that game. Whoever gets less drunk gets the other one home,'' she says as if making fun of the both of us. ''Besides, if you're going to talk, I might as well go at the same pace as you, after all,'' She finishes with a smile.

This girl is just too good for this world, period.

''Here you go,'' the waiter says, focusing on keeping a respectful attitude after the embarrassment from earlier.

As soon as I take the first sip of the shot, I can feel the effects almost instantly, and while Saki does a goddamn job at hiding it, I know she feels them too.

''So,'' starts Saki, ''Go ahead,'' she says, her soft and serious tone making me sigh.

 _Just get it done._

''You're right. I know I should have let go of the past at this point, but I didn't, and that makes me suffer. But somehow, it still chases me. They… they just didn't trust me at all. Those words that were said that day, they just… haunt me still,'' I say darkly, taking a large sip of the shot, Saki following my actions, but taking a little less. ''Letting go of the past is the first part of getting over something, I know that. But its way easier said than done. But I will try. It won't happen in a matter of days, of that I am sure. And hell, it won't be a walk in the park,'' I say, my hand clutching my glass firmly. ''Slowly, but surely, I'll do my best,'' I finish, casting a soft glance at her.

''I want to forgive them Saki, I really do. I would be lying to myself if I say I don't think about those two from time to time. And I know that, eventually, I will,'' I finish softly. ''Maybe I'll talk to them both, eventually, too. To see if they have something to say, who knows? That's why, I repeat, I'll do my best to do so.''

''You will,'' she answers softly, too. ''And I will do my best, too,'' I'll try to be even better myself. And we'll just slap each other in the back if we need it,'' she finished, laughing a bit.

I can't keep my lips from curling upwards, forming a small smile.

Maybe it's not that bad if we get drunk once in a while. Maybe we both need it right now. As long as we can make it home, We'll be fine.

 **888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888**

When I said it, I meant it. I don't get drunk easily. And if I do, most of the times I can walk back home.

But this girl is just the opposite of that. And that's an understatement.

She can't even walk properly.

I drank twice as much as her, but somehow, I'm soberer.

So, as one can imagine, I'm currently in the dilemma of supporting her while she walks in order to get her home at two in the morning.

 _…Yeah._

I know I'm not sober, but I'm still sane. Saki… I don't know. She hasn't talked since we got off the bar, but she walks erratically, needing my support. Maybe she's still aware though, but she may be on the verge of losing it.

 _She looks cute, though._

I find myself blushing and looking away.

We arrive at the apartment, and I take her keys from her purse in order to get us in.

Taking her in with me, I close the door softly.

Slowly, we make our way into her room.

It's the first time I have been here. It's even simpler than mine. Just a bed, a nightstand with a lamp on top of it, and a small TV hanging on the wall. I spot a set of wooden doors on the far wall, and I assume that's where her clothes are.

Deciding to not mess with her a lot, I lay her down on her bed softly, where she sighs happily. I take her jacket and scarf off her.

I can't help but just stare down at her with a serene look, laying my hands on my jacket's pockets.

 _Thank you, Saki. Even if we only have been friends for a few months. Just… thank you._

Her soft expression, her closed eyes, along with her wild, messy hair.

 _It's just such a beautiful sight._

Unable of holding myself, I lay down at her slowly. Carefully, I place a small kiss on her right cheek.

Good night.

I get up, turn myself around, and start to leave.

But I couldn't make it past the door.

''Wait...''

Before I can even react, I'm being hugged from behind,

Her face rests on my back, and her warm hands wrap around my chest.

''S-aki…'' I say lowly, looking at the floor.

As I turn around, she puts her hands around my neck and looks at me with the most profound stare I have ever seen.

I can't breathe. This is too much.

She looks at me so seriously that I may believe she's not even drunk at all, if not because of her pink cheeks.

Almost as if she wants me to do something.

But I'm frozen still.

After a few seconds, her stare changes completely, a full-blown smile adorning her face, along with a determined expression.

And then she kisses me.


	9. Not Anymore

I always considered myself a cautious person.

People like me think in advance. It is just a natural thing to do for people like us.

Wherever I find myself in any situation that requires careful thinking, I always examine all the different ways these scenarios can play out on the inside of my head. That's how I managed to resolve most of the situations that were presented in the Service Club, even if the methods I adopted ended up offending the people around me.

Maybe I could have handled them in some other way, but at least they worked.

Also, thanks to this marvelous way of planning and thinking, I always saw through other's bullshit. Whatever someone was being nice to me, their corporal language, their ability to lie and what assumptions they made to back up those lies. I knew it all.

Could I have made some mistake along the way? There's no way I can know that. But I can say with confidence that I managed to keep everyone out of my way.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for this.

I haven't thought about my first kiss for a long time. It was something that only managed to make its way up into my mind maybe once or twice in the entire duration of my teen years. When I got into university, I either forgot about it altogether or just simply gave up. I don't even remember.

But one thing was certain. I never, not even close, believed it would happen this way.

Stopping the kiss for a few moments, she stares deeply at me.

And then, she smiles.

''Why are you crying?''

Only then, I am made aware of the hot, fresh tears falling from my eyes, slowly descending each of my cheeks.

''I…''

As I am left at a complete loss for words, I just stare at her blankly. We look at each other without saying anything else for what feels like hours.

But she still hasn't had enough.

She kisses me again, tenderly, softly, slowly; her hand making its way to my wet cheek, with such calmness that makes part of my distress go away briefly. Losing the little strength we still have left, we let ourselves fall into the cold floor of her bedroom, with her clinging to me and my back against the wall.

She ends the kiss slowly; her hips now lying against my lap, legs tangled around my lower back. Her hand leaves my cheek and starts caressing the top of my head, playing with my tangled mess expertly.

We look at each other.

She looks at my messed up face, my hair a complete disaster and my eyes red and puffy from the crying. I, in turn, look back, how her hair is also a hopeless mess, falling on all sides, her eyes as beautiful as ever even after our episode. Her expression changes slowly, and I can see how she is also on the verge of crying. The moonlight coming from the window serves as the only source of light in the dark room.

Our breaths are fast, erratic, strained. Our bodies tremble in a mix of lust, pain, anxiety, and distress. The heavy scent of alcohol surrounds us. We are not thinking properly. If we continue this, we'll end up doing something we will regret. Her face breaks me even more inside, all while still looking like an angel.

What right do I have? I don't deserve to be with her. I'm messing her up. I'm dragging her down with me.

 _Stop. You're overthinking._

 ** _I'm not. I'm breaking her. It's obvious._**

 _Don't be ridiculous. She's the one who kissed you._

 ** _Because I am a sorry excuse of a person and she pities me!_**

 _Stop talking such nonsense already._

 ** _I…_**

"No..." I whimper.

She looks at me with her face full of tears, traces of concern adorning her features. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry," I say anxiously, lifting her off me and standing up abruptly.

I'm a bastard.

I don't deserve to be alive.

My whole existence is a disgrace.

She came to me, wanted to my friend, decided to be with me, and I took advantage of her pity. I know she's drunk, and I'm taking advantage of that. If she leaves after she returns to her normal state, I'll accept it. Even if she hits me, I'll be fine with it. Is what I deserve. Funny, isn't it? That's why I have always been detested.

I'm rotten.

Isn't that right, Yukino? Yuigahama?

I understand now. I look down at her with a pathetic face. She's still on the floor, looking up at me. Look what I have done to her. I shook my head, my mouth half open, blinking wildly, backing up slowly.

Something about her position along with her fragile expression makes something finally snap within me.

"Don't worry. I'll leave."

I turn around and start walking at a fast pace. I need to get out of this place. Before I get a chance to even make it to the living room, I sense someone running after me, and then grabbing me forcefully by my wrist.

"NO!"

I turn around, trembling, facing her. Her eyes start to shed tears again, her face falling into pieces again, all because of me. She releases my arm and places both of her hands on my chest, looking down, a fresh torrent of tears falling into the floor.

"Don't leave... please... don't leave me!" she screams in her drunken state, although it seems she has regained some of her awareness. "Everyone does..." she says while punching at my chest softly, incoherently, small whimpers escaping from her mouth.

After a few seconds, she wraps her arms around my waist completely, her head now buried against my chest. I can feel her hair, the hot sensation coming from her tears dripping on my chest, her body shaking uncontrollably. I start to choke, glancing with a tearful look at the ceiling, my arms lying on my sides, completely frozen.

"Look... look what I have done to you," I whisper pathetically, shaking, "Please, let go," I beg, trying to escape from her hold.

"No! I won't let you go! She says against my chest, "If you leave, you'll never come back again! You won't talk, you will ignore me... yo-"

"Don't you see it?! I'm messing you up! I don't... I don't... I understand now, you know? Why the world hates me. I hurt everyone around me, that's... that's why they-"

"Don't degrade yourself; for fuck's sake!'' she screams, raising her head from my chest and looking at me, her gaze piercing at my soul, "They were the ones who didn't trust you, it's their damn problem! They may see you as someone stuck in the past, someone who hates people, someone despicable...

She finishes lowly, resting her head against my left shoulder.

But she's not done yet.

"I see you as someone who has his own sense of justice, who is willing to do anything for someone he cares for, I see you as someone who is tired of his life... someone who wants something different but ends up falling on the same loop over and over again...I see you..." She raises her head, looking at me again "Damaged," she says softly.

I freeze.

"Hikigaya... You are mistaken... truth is, I was thinking the same, you know? When you met with me on that bench the first time we talked properly in years, I was so happy...I thought... that I finally had someone to talk to... we're alike... we have things in common," she pauses for a bit, regaining a bit of her composure.

"Then... I started to think that I was annoying you… But I couldn't stop. It was like a drug. Being with you distracted me from reality. I... I thought I ended being like the others... using you, manipulating you to make you feel bad about me, so I could feel better about myself, but I felt even more miserable," she tells me, her whimpers starting again.

"Day after day, I kept telling myself that someday... you would get tired of me. That you would start to get annoyed or uncomfortable by my presence, she says shakily, "But... you never did," she says, smiling briefly.

I'm absolutely speechless.

What am I supposed to say?

These past months, the times we shared... I figured it out when I started looking forward to seeing her every time I woke up to start a new day.

 _Yeah._

 _I'm in love with Kawasaki Saki._

But it can't be.

"Saki," I say, my voice hoarse, "You're drunk... you're not thinkin-"

"Do you want me to slap some sense into you or something?!" she says, raising her voice.

''You don't understand-''

''Then make me understand!''

''I don't... deserve to be with you,'' I whisper with what is probably the darkest tone I have ever heard myself say. I even find myself smiling, too.

 _That's right._

''I'm happy... you know, no one has told me something like this before. You really are a loving person. You have a soft aura all around you. You cook amazingly; you can do all the chores around a house. You are good at everything... and you're beautiful. But-"

"If you dare to tell another single bad thing about yourself, so help me God, I'll knock you the fuck out!" she screams at me, full of rage.

"Why," I say devoid of any emotion, "Why do you want to be with me..."

I can feel it.

 _Pathetic._

I'm starting to break down. She's fighting so strongly to keep me, to not let me go. I can't help but feel happy about someone willing to do that for me. And yet, because of my fear, my cowardice... A few tears fall from my eyes.

She guides me to lie down on the floor. And then I am again resting against the wall, and she's lying on my lap again, while her legs wrap themselves around my lower back, and her whole body acts as a shield, protecting from all the pain of the outside world, her hand tracing patterns at the back of my neck,

"Because," she says, and then kisses my hair slowly, "I love you, Hikigaya. You have become a precious person to me. I didn't fell in love with the disgusting, rotten idiotic man everyone saw. I fell in love with the caring, mature, and intelligent man that you really are.''

This has to be a dream. And I want to wake up.

Yeah, right. Saki Kawasaki falling in love with me.

 ** _Don't make me fucking laugh._**

 _Is that so bad?_

 ** _Yes, it is._**

 _Why?_

 ** _Because it doesn't make any sense._**

 _It does make sen-_

 ** _No. It doesn't._**

 _It does! She cares for you! Are you blind?! Isn't this what you wanted back then? Something genuine?_

 ** _Bullshit! No one gives a fuck about me. She's just scared of being alone by herself. If she wasn't feeling the way she's doing right now, she would have let me go._**

 _Everything you're saying right now is a lie and you know it. She listened to everything you said, she heard you as much as you heard her when you both needed each other the most. She never left your side when you needed her all these months, and you didn't either. Think for one second, do you really believe that someone who doesn't care about you would do all of that? Don't you think they would find any excuse to leave?_

 ** _Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!_**

 _Do something for yourself at least once!_

 ** _I'm not going to. I already know how it ends._**

 _Are you going to run again, idiot? Like you have done your whole life?_

 ** _I don't have a choice. I tried. Countless times. And it never worked. Everything always ended up the same way._**

This is what I despise more about myself. The inner fights that break out in the deepest part of my mind, enveloping my whole being. The infinite torrent of words harshly thrown by both sides of my conscience.

If I hadn't already gone nuts, this would do.

But then, everything stops. Every scream and every sound coming from there just vanishes. And suddenly, I am back in the world of the living.

She must have noticed how lost my face had looked a few seconds ago, because she has ceased crying, at least momentarily, except for a few soft sniffs every few seconds. Her head now rests on my shoulder, and I can feel the hot sensation of her wet cheeks. But, somehow, she's completely unfazed at this point. As if she wasn't even crying in the first place.

We just lie there, on the floor, as she leans against me. I don't know how much time passes after that. Maybe ten minutes, maybe half an hour.

Soon enough, I'm completely calm, and just rest my head against the wall, sighing softly.

Hear head leaves my shoulder, and she looks at me with a tender expression.

 _Fuck everything._

I lean towards her, slowly, unsurely, hesitating at first, but before I can regret it and stop, she closes up the distance on her own.

It starts slow. Our lips move against each other timidly and slowly. Her arms wrap themselves around my shoulders, while mine do the same around her back, caressing her long, messy hair.

A soft, almost inaudible yet incredibly beautiful moan escapes her as I play with her loose strands of hair.

We have to part eventually, as our lungs remind us that they are in need of oxygen.

She smiles as we look at each other hungrily, and that's more than enough to get me back at it.

This time, I start. I don't waste time. I kiss her hard, and she immediately responds with a louder moan. My tongue crashes against her lips, and she instantly opens her mouth in response.

I'm going to admit it. I may be inexperienced, but I at least have a vague idea of how these things should go. And there's something about all of this that makes me feel calm. Yeah, maybe a little clumsy, but nowhere as nervous as I thought I was going to be when something like this happened.

 _It feels just right._

Our moans get even more intense and hungrier. We part again, breathing heavily.

There's only one word that can make its way to my mouth right now.

''…Holy shi-''

I get instantly cut off by her kissing me yet again, even more fiercely than the first two.

She starts to stand up, and I follow soon after, all while still kissing.

She walks backwards while I move her forward, we arrive at her bedside, and we go down, as she lies on her back while I lean above her. Her hands are around my neck, furiously playing with my hair while I start to massage her covered breasts with mine.

All sense of modesty is already gone, and she moans freely.

And yet again, our lungs are protesting, so we have to part.

Her face is a combination of either happiness or just pure lust, and her eyes are focused on mine.

 _Only on mine._

Out of breath, we slowly realize what is going to happen next.

''Come on, do it,'' she demands hungrily.

Gulping, I start to undress her. With her coat disposed of off when we got into the house, I start to unbutton her white shirt and lift it up above her head, taking some time because of how messed her hair is.

I lower her pants, and Saki lifts herself up a bit so I can get them off easier.

Not wasting any time, she takes the bra off by herself.

I always believed that, of all the girls at that damned school, Saki always had the best body.

And now that, more than three years later, is even more apparent now.

Her breasts are round and big. Not exceptionally big, but big enough. Her nipples are fully erect as if inviting me to touch them.

I lean forward, and timidly start to kiss her left breast.

Her reaction is instant. She gasps, loudly, but in a cute way. Her back arches and her left leg raises a little.

While doing this, I work with her other breast using my right hand.

''God… Hmm…''

Her moans and whimpers are like a drug. And I want more.

My hand leaves her right breast, but I continue licking the left one as I start grabbing her panties.

They go out easily, as she finishes the job by grabbing them with her feet and throwing them to the other side of the room.

I start playing with her vagina. Hers has a decent amount of hair, shaved just in the right places. That surprises me, but not in a bad way.

 _She really likes as being natural as possible._

Her moans grow even more excited and impatient, and every single one of them puts me over the edge.

''Harder… Harder!''

Her hips convulse, going up at down crazily as my fingers go in and out and my tongue draws circles against her nipple.

And then, at the last moment, she raises them as high as she can and screams loudly. I count six seconds as she orgasms hard, her legs shaking violently but keeping her hips high, and she squirts all over my abdomen and hand.

When it finally ends, she is gasping for air, and she finally goes down and rests.

''That…that was the first time I squirted.''

I smirk.

''That's a first,'' I say.

She smiles weakly, but soon enough, her expression changes into one of lust again.

''Undress. Now.''

I do as she wants to.

Soon enough, I'm devoid of all of my clothes, and I just stand at the side of the bed, as she still lies down, her legs folded and giving me a good view of her vagina.

My member is fully erect, and that's an understatement.

''Not bad,'' she says with a playful tone.

''Uh…''

''Are you going to remain frozen over there? Just come already.''

''O-okay.''

I lean above her and kiss her for a bit. This one is tender and softer, as we just want to enjoy it as much as possible.

''Let me go on top,'' she declares.

''What?''

''You heard me. I'm riding you.''

And of course, I do exactly as she says.

We flip over, and I lie on my back as she hovers above me, the loose strands of her hair tickling all over my upper body before she leans a bit back and goes into a sitting position.

She caresses my member up and down, slowly, not going too hard, and I thank her silently for that because I would have finished in less than ten seconds. As she does so, she pleasures herself, pressing her vagina against my right upper leg as she moves her hips back and forth in a seductive way.

We go at it for a few moments, just silently enjoying every second of it. The way she does it is not fast enough to make me come, but just enough to make me feel immense pleasure.

When she glances at me impatiently, it's more than clear that comes next.

''Are you a virgin?'' I ask.

''Y-eah. But I shouldn't hurt that much.''

She inserts herself slowly. I feel a slight pressure and then a snap. She flinches in pain for a bit, breathing in and out for a few moments before it dies down.

And then the pleasure arrives.

She goes slowly at first, going back and forth and sometimes left and right. I do my best to help her by going up and down.

''Hm…''

She sorts out all kind of movements, slightly increasing her speed.

Our soft moans echo themselves in the room, and I can't help but caress both of the breasts as carefully as I can.

''There…damn right,'' she says softly, and seductively.

She picks up her speed sometimes and changes her movements periodically. I notice she likes pressing me down at about the same time I go up, sending us both an immense but quick wave of pleasure. Then she goes slower, but also harder at the same time, twisting my member in all directions.

About five minutes into it, she sets on going back, forth and down as hard as she can while gaining speed.

The orgasm comes quickly.

I come first, and the twitching of my member makes her come instantly, too. She goes down and kisses me as we both finish hard, muffling her soft scream and my moan.

At the final seconds of her orgasm, she ends the kiss and sits again, going back and forth one last time. I can't help but admire the sight of her vagina twitching and how beautiful her abdomen and breasts look against the moonlight coming through the window.

All while she moans all the time.

This moonlight also reflects on her long hair, serving as the cherry on top as it flows down marvelously, tickling my legs this time.

''That was…'' she starts, but she's unable to find the words to continue.

I'm also unable to.

We stay like that. I look at the ceiling with a calm expression, while Saki just looks down at my chest while her warm hands caress my chest.

I glance down at her soft and tender expression. Her eyes shine with calmness.

''You look happy.''

''I am. Aren't you?''

''I don't think that's the right word to describe it.''

''What it is then?'' she asks softly, tracing a circle on my chest.

''Home.''

''Home?'' she asks.

''Yes. I just feel…at home.''

''Home as if…being inside me? She adds mockingly.

I blush.

''Don't ruin it. I just feel…right. Something I wanted to feel a long time ago.''

''I see,'' she adds, resting her head against my chest. The way her breasts press themselves against me is a little too much to handle.

''Hmm...''

 _Oh, damn. She definitely felt that._

''Well,'' she says seductively, ''I guess we're not done yet.''

I respond by flipping us over so she lies below me again.

''Fair enough, Hikigaya. You felt really good, and I can't ignore that,'' she whispers in my ear, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me.

Her legs guide me down inside her and wrap themselves around me, keeping me in place and holding me still.

She moans loudly and I just snap.

Loud, carnal moans and whimpers resonate in the room as we go crazy.

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It's probably seven in the morning at best.

We went at it three times, each time stronger than the last.

The final orgasm almost made me scream. Saki was another story.

Wait. What woke me up in the first place?

''You're awake.''

Looking at my left side, she returns the gaze with a tender, tired smile. She lies on her right side. The minimal amount of sunlight emanating from the window illuminates her body. Her light blue hair is sprawled in all directions. Her breasts are in full view, while the mattress covers her lower body. Her hand holds mine softly, the warmth it emanates into mine making me feel more alive.

''Sorry for waking you. I just wanted to hold your hand.''

''It's fine, don't worry.''

We fall into silence for some time.

''Are you better now?''

I chuckle.

''Yeah, I think so.''

Her left hand touches the side of my face, and I can't help but lean against it.

''You scared me back then…What were you thinking about?''

Yeah… that. I almost forgot.

''I think I just lost it. I just couldn't believe what you said. That you actually loved someone like me.''

Her soft laugh makes me want to smile, but I don't even have the willpower right now to do that.

''I'm sorry, for scaring you like that.''

''You worry me a little too much sometimes,'' she says lowly.

''I'm surprised that of all the things you have seen me do that was the first time you were genuinely scared.''

''You're drastic, not scary,'' she answers.

''That's also a first,'' I reply

''Someone had to say it sooner or later.''

 _Drastic, huh…_

''Saki, I…I love you too. Hell, I had already loved you long before this conversation.''

''They why are you hesitating?''

I sigh. I guess I was really being a crybaby.

''I won't anymore.''

Having finally accepted the truth, I dozed off to sleep with her at my side.

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 ** _Yo. Long time no see. Just dropping by to say that I have been reading all the reviews. It surprises me, to say the least. I never believed this would end up being so popular._**

 ** _I thank all of you. Where I live, things like fan fiction or just angst-like things like what I enjoy writing are not really seen on the best of terms, so I keep them all to myself. It's just me and my tiny laptop. It gets lonely most of the time._**

 ** _So, from the bottom of the heart that this young, Dominican cold college man has, thank you._**

 ** _One last thing though. I'm going to write a new story. It's centered about the Little Busters! anime. I saw it last week and it impacted me in a way I never believed it was possible. If you hadn't seen it yet, I highly recommend it. What do you guys think?_**


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